Why Moms Are So Burned Out (or Facing Burnout) and How to Recover
To say that moms are running on fumes is such a laughable understatement that when I started writing this blog post, I almost didn’t want to list out the fact that, “hey, world, moms are not okay.” And it’s more than just feeling tired – it’s mental, emotional and physical exhaustion that’s plaguing the women behind the perfectly posed photos on Instagram, and jovial LinkedIn updates about having to travel, and be away from our families, yet again. It’s the moms who cancel plans because, “their kids are sick,” when really, they just can’t handle one more thing on their plate. And the moms who show up to pick up in their slippers in sweats, because literally, it took all of their effort just to make it to school on time to pick up their precious little darlings.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? So, if you, like me, have ever hidden in the bathroom with the door locked for just a few extra minutes to glean just a tiny little sliver of peace, while one of your kiddos attempted to knock down the door, this article is for you.
What Is Mom Burnout and Why Does It Happen?
Define mom burnout and how it differs from regular tiredness.
Explain how emotional labor, mental load, and work-life imbalance contribute.
Cite statistics on mom burnout and working mom exhaustion to add credibility.
Mention how societal pressure to “do it all” exacerbates the problem.
If you’re reading this because you have a mom in your life who seems to be burning out, or you are that mom yourself, it helps to start by understanding what exactly mom burnout is, and why it differs from just “regular tiredness,” or fatigue.
Choosing Therapy defines mom burnout as, “feeling intense exhaustion and disengagement or depersonalization related to parenting, such as simply “going through the motions,” rather than feeling present or engaged with their children’s lives. Additionally, many parents report feeling inefficient or useless in their child-rearing roles, doubting whether they’re “good enough” at it. They also define mom burnout as “depleted mother syndrome.”
If you just take in this definition, it’s clear that feeling these symptoms on an ongoing basis as a mom, whether it’s due to the emotional labor of parenting, the contstant mental load of keep everything in the family, and for your children afloat, or the ever-present work-life imbalance that is a constant in the life of a working mother, is detrimental to your own health and the hapiness of your family.
Motherly reports that 93% of surveyed mothers reported either feeling burned out right now, or sometime in the recent past. That’s a staggering number! And, 16% say that they feel burned out all the time.
The societal pressure to “do it all,” creates an ever-present, anxiety-inducing presence in the modern mother’s life that is almost impossible to ignore, and worse, dominates the minds, and actions of many mothers.
So, now that you know the stats, and the bad news, I’d like to talk a little about how you can better support yourself, or a mother in your life by reading the signs, and becoming aware wh
Signs You’re Experiencing Mom Burnout
The sneaky thing about mom burnout, is that it can creep up on you before you even realize that something if off. Between running around to the play dates, and school pickup, and from sports practices, to balancing work schedules, it’s easier than it seems to neglect to notice that each one of these responsibilities stacks up, and slowly but surely chips away at your sanity as a mother.
But the first step in recognizing that you’ve pushed yourself to the point of crash-and-burn as a mother, is the know and understand the common signs of burnout as a parent.
Chronic Exhaustion (even after sleep)
If you have started to feel an ever-present and overwhelming exhaustion, even after you’ve gotten a full night’s sleep, it’s highly likely that you are experiencing parental burnout. I remember, the first time I fully burned out as mother, the exhaustion became so intense that I would literally feel like rocks were tied to my arms and legs, and even the act of standing up from the couch or my desk chair, was an impossible task.
Increased Irritability or Resentment
All parents lose their cool from time to time, because let’s be honest, parenthood is stressful, and while you might have the best intentions to stay calm in the face of constant whining, another sick day, in the midst of your already busy week, and the constant needs that come along with having children, the stress and strain can lead to irritability and some resentment.
But, if you are feeling resentful all of the time, and the irritability towards your partner, your children, and others in your life has become a constant, it’s very likely that you’re creeping towards mom burnout.
Forgetfulness or Brain Fog
HealthDirect describes brain fog as a term people use to describe when they begin to have problems with thinking and memory. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you’ve become overwhelmed to the point of burnout as a parent, you’re going to start to forget things, right? As a mother though, when you’re in the throes of trying to manage your children, household, and career, it can be easy to just keep trudging forward without fully noticing that you forgot why you walked into the kitchen, or just can’t remember the list of errands you were so motivated to get done before leaving the house.
Feeling Disconnected from Your Partner or Kids
If you have started to feel a lack of connection or enjoyment when you’re with your children or your partner, it’s possible that you are experiencing mom burnout. Charlie Health notes that this can come in the form of questioning your choices as a parent, feeling isolated and alone, and feeling a lack of love (or really anything at all) towards your children and family.
Lack of Motivation at Work and at Home
This is one of the easiest to spot, yet hard to accept, symptoms of burnout as a mother. When my son was nine months old, and my daughter was three, I entered one of the darkest times as a parent I have ever experienced. I remember wandering around my house, knowing I had meetings I needed to prepare for, and appointments I needed to make, but everything just felt so fuzzy and far from possible. I’d get through half a day, but I still have not completed one task. It all just felt so pointless, because even if I finished one thing, fifty more would pop up.
The lack of motivation was compounded by the fact that I was resentful, and exhausted. But it was also the thing that findall made me seek help.
Physical Symptoms Associated with Mom Burnout
Along with the mental and emotional feelings that come along with parental burnout, there are also some noticeable physical symptoms. If you, or a mom in your life, are experiencing chronic insomnia, regular headaches, body aches, or recent and continual panic attacks, you can be pretty sure that some form of burnout is causing these symptoms. This is especially true if you (or someone you love) are experiencing these physical symptoms, along with some of the other symptoms we’ve talked about already.
Please note, that seeking the opionion of a qualified medical professional is also critical to your overall health, if you are epxeriencing one or more of these physical symptoms.
The Science Behind Mom Exhaustion
In 2019, the World Health Organization recognized burnout syndrome in its International Classification of Diseases, based on many of the signs and symptoms above.
So, how does burnout happen to some parents and not to others? We’re often under similar amounts of stress, and dealing with the same weight of responsibilities as parents. What factors affect so many mothers, while others seem to escape it?
This is where the science comes in:
Stress and Cortisol
Medical News Today explains that “When a person faces an unusual or unexpected stressor, the body’s sympathetic nervous system activates. This leads to a cascade of hormonal and other responses to help the body react to the stressor.” The raised cortisol levels, especially when they are being triggered constantly, can affect energy levels, weight, sleep, and so much more.
The Mental Load
The mental load of parenting alone is one of the leading causes of mom burnout. Many mothers are isolated, or are balancing most of the tasks and responsibilities of raising their children, without significant family or partner support. Momwell describes the mental load as, “a vicious cycle for families. One parent (often the mom) becomes the default parent. That default parent takes on a disproportionate amount of labor in the home. They find themselves drowning in unpaid and unappreciated labor.” This imbalance alone creates the perfect situation for mom burnout.
Long Term Sleep Deprivation
Look, here’s the reality: most parents are somewhat sleep-deprived. I remember when my daughter was about a year old, wondering if I would ever get a whole night of sleep again. It starts with getting up every few hours to feed, change diapers, and soothe back to sleep, but often the intensive baby phase leads to long term chronic sleep deprivation in parents – especially moms.
According to Healthline, long-term sleep deprivation in moms is a top contributor to postpartum depression, and the development of other potential psychiatric disorders.
So, with all of this daunting information, you might be asking, what can I do to help prevent or recover from mom burnout?
How to Recover from Mom Burnout
I promise, all of this data and information has been leading somewhere. No mother wants to get to the point of burnout where it requires Googling the internet for help, but here you are, and I’m happy you’re here. You may know where this is going, but I will spell it out for you anyhow.
Why? Because, when I was burned out as a mom, growing a business, and trying to raise two little human children, I needed someone to say to me, “Enough! You can’t do it all. You need to find ways to get more help, and gain more support.”
So here are some of the ways I have found that a) help me in my day-to-day life as a mother, b) help me recover when I’m getting off track and nearing burnout, and c) helped me recover when I was entirely burned out as a mother.
Set Boundaries
It’s a cliche, I know. And I know you have probably seen many blogs about setting boundaries as a mother, but there is a reason why. Setting boundaries and then letting go of the guilt around not doing the thing, adding one more activity to the schedule, or saying no to that added meeting, is critical to recovering from mom burnout. I get it, setting boundaries, especially if you are a people pleaser is really, really hard. But you need to ask yourself what the alternative holds for you. Is it worth losing everything because you can no longer function at all?
Action Item: Pick one thing in your life that causes you a ton of stress, and just stop doing it. Whether it’s a 4:30pm meeting, when you need to pick up your kiddos at 5pm, or a weekly dinner with the in-laws that throws your entire weekend into a tail spin. Just stop.
Delegate, Delegate
Someone once told me, “You’re not going to win a prize for being the one to do every single thing for your child.” It was so right on. For some reason, as mothers, many of us think that it is not just ideal, it’s expected that we do all of the things for our children, our families, and our work without any help. If you really sit down and think about it, that’s insane.
Action Item: Ask your partner, a friend or family member to take on one task in the next week that is straightforward, and easy to hand off. It can be anything from weekly grocery shopping to school pick-up (even just one day) to start getting you into a groove of delegating.
Micro-rests
Research suggests that taking five-minute breaks throughout the day is vital for resetting your brain, and your mental health. It serves as somewhat of a mental check point, reminding you that it’s all going to be okay.
Action Item: For every 2-3 hours you spend doing things that you “must do,” or “are responsible for,” take a five minute break to walk outside, and look up at the sky soaking it in, or find a spot to sit, and take slow deep breaths for five minutes, without looking at your phone, computer or any other device. Set it as an appointment on your calendar, so you actually show up for yourself!
Simplify routines
I’m not joking when I say this. This was the most helpful of all the things I did to recover from mom burnout. If you’re burned out, it’s time to cut out nonessential tasks and commitments. This is not easy to do, but I promise you that the second you do it, you will feel like a mountain of heaviness has been lifted off your shoulders. Remember that your children and (if applicable) your partner, don’t need one more sports activity, playdate, or family gathering to be happy. Your work doesn’t require you to show up for every unreasonable request, or be the person to do everything. You’re the one putting that pressure on yourself, so what can you simplify? What can you scrap entirely?
Action Item: Get out your journal, a piece of paper, or open a blank email. Absolutely word-vomit for 15 minutes, everything you “Have To Do,” in a week. When you’re done, walk away for a few hours, then come back to it with a Sharpie marker and red-line every single thing that doesn’t need to be done to survive, or that you can take a break from doing for a bit.
Prioritize sleep
This is one of those points that may feel overwhelming because, after all, don’t all of us (parents or not) want to prioritize sleep? But there are a few key things you can do, to make getting a good night's sleep as a mother just a little easier.
Action Items: 1) Set a drop-dead time to go to bed, 2) limit blue light exposure (that’s your phone!) when in bed, 3) take a 15 minute nap midway through the day. Here are some additional tips on prioritizing sleep as a parent from Harvard Business Review.
Move Your Body
In addition to the physical benefits of gentle movement, the mental benefits are immense. Whether it be getting out for a 30 minute walk, or doing a quick yoga routine – even if it’s in your living room, gentle movement helps combat fatigue, and will help you move through this burnout phase more effectively.
Action item: Pick a window every day where you can take 30 minutes to move your body – whether it’s before the kids wake up, or after dinner, it doesn’t matter as long as you do it.
Seek Support
I’m not talking about support that makes you feel like a failure, or less than capable. Because every mom knows there’s support that is actually supportive, and “support” that is judgement disguised as help. When I say seek support, I mean either start communicating with a friend or family member who is 100% judgement free about the challenges you’re facing, or if you don’t feel like there’s anyone in your day-to-day environment you can trust, find a professional to talk to about what’s going on your life.
Action item: Contact a friend or family member you trust for a walk or cup of coffee, and open up. Alternatively, find a therapist or counselor in your area, and set an appointment.
Preventing Burnout Before It Happens Again
I want to assure you that you will get through this burnout phase. Especially because you are motivated to seek help; I know this because you took the difficult steps necessary to find this article, and read it to the end. Kudos to you!
And, as you do move through the burnout phase as a mother, and it’s a new normal that feels more manageable, here are some ways I keep myself in check on a daily and weekly basis to ensure that I stay centered, and supportive of myself so that I don’t get into a risky burnout situation without knowing it.
Build a realistic daily schedule - I like to follow one rule. Each day I determine 3 things that MUST get done. Everything else is optional.
Let go of perfectionism - When I say “let go,” I mean reminding myself constantly that “good enough is good enough.” There are things in life that are worth getting all worked up about, and things that can be “good enough.”
Find small daily joys - It sounds simple. Still, if I don’t remind myself daily to stop, and take a few moments to appreciate, a good cup of coffee, a hug from my almost-teenager, or a sweet text from a friend, I find that I keep going through the motions without EMOTION about anything. Take an extra minute to pause, enjoy and reset.
Stay connected with other moms who get it - This can’t be overstated. Lean into the friends that make you feel seen, not judged.
You Deserve to Feel Like Yourself Again
Please remember, if you take nothing else away from our chat, that experiencing mom burnout doesn’t mean that you are a failure as a woman or a parent. It simply means that something needs to change, for you to live a fulfilling, happy and manageable life.
If all you can do right now is take one small step at a time towards feeling better, that’s enough!
Remember that you are not alone. I see you. I’ve been where you are now. And I’m here to tell you that you will get through this.