Mom Guilt: Understanding and Managing the Pressure of Parenthood
Twelve years ago, I became a mom to the most precious and precocious little being I had yet to meet in this world. Within moments of her birth, I was simultaneously happier than I've ever been and rocked with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. The labor hadn't gone the way I planned. It ended in an emergency c-section, and moments after our goopy, purple, screaming daughter was pulled from my abdomen and placed on my bare chest, I went into shock.
My doctor and husband sprinted to my side, swooping up my firstborn. At the same time, I began shaking uncontrollably. I was whisked away and injected with an anti-shock medication and had a bit forced between my teeth, which were chattering.
Before blacking out, I remember thinking, "Oh, my god, I'm a terrible mother. I didn't even get to hold my newborn baby for more than a moment. What is wrong with me? Will she ever forgive me?"
Enter mom guilt. I had no control over the way the birth of my daughter transpired. Logically, I knew that, and yet, the guilt I felt was almost soul-crushing. It was the first time, but far, far, far from the last time, that I would be rocked with the guilt that somehow rears its ugly head once, twice, or multiple times a day.
So, what is "mom guilt?" And why is it such a hot-button topic?
Author and Today contributor Niro Feliciano describes Mom Guilt as:
"What you feel when you criticize yourself because you didn't live up to an expectation that you set for yourself as a parent."
Okay, let's elaborate on this because if you are a mom reading this article, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you've experienced this phenomenon many times. Am I right?
Root Causes of Mom Guilt
Let's start by acknowledging that mom guilt comes at us mothers from all sides and angles. Even though most of it stems from our own expectations of ourselves, a good portion of guilt also stems from societal and cultural expectations placed on women, social media, work, and office culture, and differences in beliefs and parenting styles.
I remember when I was heading back to work after maternity leave – which, due to where we lived at the time, was a whole whopping six weeks. And can I say that six weeks is not enough time for mothers to adjust to having a new child or to get their bearings before returning to work – do better, USA. Anyhow, I digressed. I was back at work, balancing scheduling meetings, breast pumping, and running home at lunch to make sure my six-week-old was alive and well with our nanny. But it didn't end there. At 5 pm, I would duck out and race home exhausted, only to realize I had a "second shift." I was sitting in a meeting and could feel my breast milk starting to leak. I was 40 minutes overdue to pump and trying to appear engaged, all while realizing that my breasts were fully engorged and needed relief.
We were meeting with the senior team. As the meeting went on, I realized that I would soon start leaking through my shirt if I didn't get to the little closet where we "working newborn mothers" were approved to pump milk.
"I really need to get to my next thing," I said finally, not wanting to lie or divulge the truth.
The senior banker turned to me and said, "Oh, where do you need to be?" She was a woman, and I tried to implore her with a look to understand what I didn't want to say. In fact, what was weird about the entire situation was that everyone in the room was a woman.
I decided to rip off the bandaid and said, "Actually, I need to pump."
Silence followed.
Then, "Oh, I thought you were done with that."
My heart sank, and I immediately felt simultaneously guilty for being a hassle and guilty, plus angry that I was being questioned about why I was still breastfeeding my baby daughter.
This is a more common story than we're willing to admit. Whether it's a friend, a colleague, your own inner voice, or a family member slathering on the critical eye and guilt-ridden commentary, this experience demonstrates the prevalence of mom guilt and its source.
Common Manifestations of Mom Guilt
Perhaps you go through your day as a mom and never feel a sense of inadequacy or strain. But my guess is that's not the case. So, let's define some of the common manifestations of mom guilt:
Anxiety
Stress and anxiety are some of the most common manifestations of mom guilt. I know this one is a biggie for me. I start to run through all the things I didn’t do or could have done, forgetting what has been accomplished.
Sadness
If you've ever felt immense sadness about what you are missing with your kiddos or what you can't do, then you are familiar with mom guilt.
Feeling Inadequate
It's easy to berate yourself for not being like other moms, not doing everything you have been told you need to do, or not feeling responsible for doing as a parent. Those feelings can be overwhelming and indicate that "mom guilt" has taken over.
Overcompensating
A common trap for parents who struggle with mom guilt is the temptation to overcompensate for what they feel they have done wrong or missed. I've been guilty of this a time or TEN, and it never ends up making anyone more loved or comforted, including myself.
Withdrawal
Maybe it just becomes too much: the parties, the sports, the school events, and homework. It's easy in these situations to withdraw and stop trying, not realizing that a little bit goes a long way.
Filtering Down
You know the deal: You're tired from a long day of work, you missed the talent show because a meeting ran late, the kids are asking for dinner, your partner wants to catch up on your day, and suddenly you snap and yell, "Just give me a minute!" Yep, that's mom guilt and overwhelm filtering down.
Overcoming Mom Guilt
Frankly, I hate the word "overcome." It feels preachy and disconnected from the reality of parenting, which is a constant battle of "should," "need," and "want" to do. Let's normalize not overcoming but embracing parenthood's imperfections and honoring our needs.
Start with Awareness
Ever heard the saying, "Knowing is half the battle?" Yes, that one. It's a cliche, but also the truth. Find ways to become conscious of when the mom guilt hits. Is it always around school events or work obligations?
If you consistently notice the same feelings around the same things, start strategizing about how you can change the dynamic for yourself, your family, and your kids. Do it. Whether it's leaving work five minutes earlier or asking your partner or spouse to do something extra, find the little ways you can turn your observations into actions.
Be Compassionate
It's easy to say and hard to do. I get it. Compassion is natural when it comes to other people. Still, for some reason, it's incredibly difficult to show compassion for oneself.
Set Realistic Expectations
Remember in the new year how you decided to do yoga every week, only to realize that was unrealistic three weeks later? The same goes here. Little, meaningful steps toward letting go of mom guilt are often much more effective than trying to quit feeling the feelings cold turkey. The same goes for your commitments. If you overcommit as a mother, employee, or friend, you're guaranteed to feel guilt somewhere.
A couple of things that have helped me as I have worked through the overwhelming guilt I have felt as a mother at multiple points in my life:
Set time aside for yourself. It seems counterintuitive, but it actually calms the nerves and puts things in perspective.
Remind yourself that
Seek Support
Seriously, I'm not just saying this to say it. As a recovering control freak myself, I'm well aware of how hard it can be to ask for help. There's the fear of judgment or lack of control over what goes on with your kids when you're not around, but take it from me: Doing it all alone isn't sustainable either. Plus, it's lonely.
Set up regular play dates with friends so you can get a break without guilt. Ask a family member to help out. Whatever it is you're comfortable with, just do it.
Turning Guilt into Positive Change
Celebrate little successes
There's always a good reason to cheer for yourself and toast the little wins. Maybe it's just that you made it through a hard day. Try and designate a moment each day—I prefer the morning, but the choice is yours—to reflect on what you've accomplished, gained, or learned.
Keep a guilt journal
I mean, you don't have to call it a guilt journal, but a place where you can account for the things causing you "mom guilt." Positive Psychology and Web MD say that journaling can reduce anxiety, improve awareness, regulate emotions, and boost physical health. So, could you take a deep breath and write it out?
Let it go
Where all else fails, try to let it go and realize that each day brings a new opportunity to do things differently. Think forward instead of backward, and remind yourself that you are doing your best, which I'm sure is quite enough.
Advice and Resources
Here are a few books and podcasts about Mom Guilt and compassionate parenting that have helped me and that will help you.
You Don't Have to Carry it All: Ditch the Mom Guilt and Find a Better Way Forward, by Paula Faris
Guilt Free Mommy: Insights and Tools to Overcome Mommy Guilt, by Dayna Reed
The Honest Mom Journal, by Libby Julia Ward
The Five Minute Journal, by Intelligent Change.
At the end of the day, try to remember that you are reading this article, and that alone means you care, are a good parent, and are an amazing human being. Give yourself a little grace, a medium-dose pep talk, and a whole lot of credit for everything you do!
Let's support each other along this journey of motherhood.
Please share your comments and experiences with me about how you have overcome instances of mom guilt or are in the process of overcoming it.
I want to hear your story! Let’s connect.
