Raising a Pre-Teen Daughter: Balancing Boundaries, Big Feelings, and Becoming Her Safe Place
It felt like one moment I was snuggling with my little girl, envisioning her as an adult, but still loving her round face and girlish style. One morning I woke up, and she was taller, her features more defined, and the opinions, oh the opinions, and eye-rolls had replaced the snuggles. I quickly had to come to terms with the fact that my daughter was no longer a little girl.
For every mom out there going through the emotional rollercoaster of puberty and the pre-teen emotional yo-yo of watching your daughter grow up, this post is for you.
THE STAGES OF PUBERTY – FOR BOTH OF YOU
I thought I was prepared for the physical and emotional changes my sweet and spunky little girl would undergo, and to some extent, I was. However, there has been a tapestry of emotional growing pains (for us both) that I was far from prepared for, and frankly, I bungled at the start.
Here’s what I would now share with a friend entering the phase of raising a pre-teen girl, and I’m happy to share with you!
Get ready for rejection:
One of the hardest things for me to adapt to so far has been oppositional behavior, just for the sake of opposing. It’s totally normal and healthy for your pre-teen to begin to push the boundaries of agreeing with your every move. Child Mind Institute says, “It’s appropriate for kids this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection.”
I quickly noticed that, despite my best efforts and preparation, it’s really hard not to get defensive toward your preteen when they start pushing back or arguing for what feels like the sake of arguing.
Quick Tween Tips:
Don’t force conversations, or concepts - This is hard when you want to “impart your wisdom,” but I’ve found that if the moment isn’t right, the whole conversation is lost and both of us leave frustrated.
Hold your tongue - It’s easy to get into a mode of constantly giving advice, especially about social situations, and newly-found romantic interests. I had to learn the hard way that it’s sometimes better to listen, instead of needing to give advice. And trust that your daughter will be able to handle it on their own.
Apologize as needed - Look, you can try as you might to be a balanced, loving, and calm parent of a preteen, but the reality is that they are primed to push every button you have, and at some point, you’ll likely lose it on them. It’s hard to swallow your pride and apologize for not being perfect, but I promise it will be appreciated and worth it.
Firmly show empathy - This is the hardest part. You can’t be your daughter’s bestie all the time. You are still responsible for making sure the “parenting bumpers” are on, and when you do need to say no, or discipline for any number of reasons, try to empathize with your daughter, who’s full of hormonal emotions. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I know it’s hard not to be able to communicate with your friends, but your screen time is up for the day.”
You will grieve:
As excited as I am that I’ve made it this far as a parent and that my daughter is entering a new phase as a human being, I’ve also struggled with the grief of losing the little-girl phase. The grief is something that was unexpected for me. I’ve always looked forward to moving forward into a new phase with my children, and each new milestone. However, there’s something that happens when you realize that your daughter is in the process of shedding her little-girl-ness and will never return to that phase again.
Tween Tips:
Savor loving moments - The preteen whiplash is a real thing. One moment they’re too old for hugs and dolls, and the next, she’s crying because she forgot her favorite pillow, or wanting to download about her day right before bedtime. It’s easy to feel annoyed, and rush through these windows where your love is accepted, or her love is given. Stop, listen, and learn, no matter how much you need to get to the next thing.
Allow yourself to process - It’s normal to feel like, in a way, you have lost your child. Allow yourself to feel the emotions surrounding this, rather than just pressing forward.
Make time for quality time - find a date day, or special event to do together each month, so you can still stay connected through this phase.
FRIEND VS. MOM – THE DELICATE DANCE
I get it, you want to stay close to your daughter through her preteen and teenage years, but then there’s the realization that you also need to set limits and provide structure during this tumultuous time. It’s almost like you’re set up for failure, am I right?
There’s a balance for sure when it comes to being your daughter’s friend versus being her parent. There will be times when she doesn’t want to talk with you because she’s angry with your decisions or rules. There will be times when your “love” becomes emotionally overbearing. So, how do you cope with the whiplash of wanting you there one minute and then having no interest in anything to do with you the next?
I’ll be honest, this balance is anything but for me. Sometimes I get it right, and other times I crash and burn. So take my tips and suggestions for what they are: One parent sharing with another parent what they’re doing to, frankly, just survive this phase.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH LOVE
Boundaries at this stage of pre-teenhood are more critical than ever. While you want to support and relate to your preteen daughter, you can hold space for her big emotions while still holding the line with boundaries.
Remember that you’re responsible for raising a well-rounded and capable adult, and setting boundaries is part of parenthood at this stage. The Center for Parent and Teen Communication says that, “With so many things going on in adolescence, having a parent/guardian set safe boundaries in the first place gives an important sense of stability. It helps teens control the rate at which they’re changing. It gives clear, safe borders to push against.”
Here are a few things to consider when setting boundaries with your preteen:
Consistency is key - I don’t always stick to this, but when I do, the reaction is far less intense than when it’s perceived that I either a) went against my own rule, or b) said one thing and did another. For example, if their phone needs to be put away at a particular time, stick to it!
Approach with Love - Expressing how much you love your child as part of the conversation can help establish where you are coming from and soften the frustration that arises when a boundary is set.
Simple and Clear - The more straightforward and more transparent you can be when setting boundaries with your preteen, the better they will receive it, even if there’s pushback at first. For example, in our house we have an overarching rule, which we have discussed with our daughter in advance, that if we see her doing something that either a) affects her ability in school, b) her physical safety, or c) her emotional wellbeing (ie bullying), we will step in. Why? Because we LOVE her!
Set Parameters in advance - This aligns with the previous bullet point. If you can, find a time to discuss the changes going on in her body, mind, and perspective, and have an open conversation about how and when you will set boundaries as things come up. You can refer back to this later – promise, you will.
Mom first, friend second - Reminder: She needs a parent, not a best friend—but your connection doesn’t have to suffer for it. You will find moments to be close and carefree, especially if you can get into a groove with boundary setting at the start.
REDEFINING YOUR ROLE
With boundaries in mind, now is the time to acknowledge that your role as a parent is being redefined. In earlier phases of childhood, you probably felt a lot like a task manager, right? Making sure shoes were on the right feet, jackets were grabbed, playdates were set–you get the point. But now, you’re moving from being a household manager to something quite different. It won’t happen overnight, but the reality is that your daughter is going to want you to be the stable anchor in their life, while beginning to push you away so that she can explore who she is and define her place in the world.
If you can position yourself as more of a mentor during this stage, rather than a drill sergeant, the likelihood is that you will stay closer to your daughter and be more attuned to her needs. It comes down to a couple of key rules: Observe first, guide second, and let go in little ways whenever you can. So hard, right?!
Empowering Parents notes that parents of tweens should, “Take small steps and look for gradual change. The change could be as small as disengaging from an argument rather than getting drawn into a power struggle with your child.”
If you start to feel disconnected from your preteen, try setting aside time to reconnect. Here are a few things that have worked for me:
Set a coffee date - just the two of you. Let them order whatever, and just chat.
Go for a walk - you might get some pushback at first, but by the end, she’s always grateful and has opened up about something in her life.
Find a show (not something baby-ish) - A big thing that connects me and my daughter is watching a TV series together that we’re both excited about. I’ve also been able to approach a number of conversations with her afterwards based on what’s come up in an episode.
THE UNWRAPPING OF US
Let’s be honest, puberty and becoming a preteen isn’t just about your daughter becoming a young woman, it’s also about becoming a new kind of parent. Each phase of parenthood not only changes your child, but it also changes you. So you can either resist it or embrace it.
As ticky as some of the new and changing elements of this stage have been for me as a mother, there have also been some incredible moments and aspects of the whole thing that have deepened my bond with my wonderful daughter and pushed me to become a better person, as well as a better mother.
What are you discovering during the preteen phase with your daughter? Share your stories in the comments or DM me on Instagram.
Tween and Teen Parenting Resources:
Here are a few trusted books, podcasts, or articles that have helped me navigate the stage of preteen to teen.
Girlology - Created by pediatricians and OB-GYNs, this site helps girls (and their moms!) understand what’s going on, and offers online puberty classes and parent guides.
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, by Lisa Damour, Ph.D. - A must-read for understanding the emotional development of girls ages 10–19.
The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient and Consious Children, by Shefali Tsabary Ph.D. - A deeper dive into conscious parenting, especially when your own triggers get tripped.
