Stop Pressuring Yourself and Still Enjoy the Moments with Your Children

There is one common expression that makes me cringe when I hear it stated to any mom. Especially a mom with a young child.

“Enjoy every minute!”

Photo by April, owner of O’Meara Photography.

Now that I’m further along in motherhood, and feel more mental space to be able to enjoy more of the moments, I can see why so many mistakenly-good intentioned bystanders say this phrase to new parents. I do get it.

Yes, the time does go quickly. And yes, you look at your kiddos one day and realize they’re not babies any longer. And yes, that time where they need you to do everything for them is fleeting. But also, parenting, at any stage, can be really hard, heartbreaking, humbling, and frustrating. That’s not to say it’s not also beautiful, prideful, and happy. But both sides of that coin deserve to be openly talked about. And parents need to be able to feel okay with having a bad day, needing extra help, and sometimes needing space from their children to take care of their own mental health.

My kiddos are nine and six years old now, so I feel like I right in the middle of the ‘raising children journey.’ Although, someone with adult kids is welcome to correct me on this. And I know the teenage years are coming and will change the dynamic drastically. Therefore, I am definitely working harder these days to enjoy my little humans, and appreciate how much they have grown already. But there are still those days (or should I more accurately say, moments every day), that I do not enjoy. These are the ones I look back on and feel guilt or regret for not being more patient, or listening more. But I think it’s time to normalize the rollercoaster of emotion that comes along with parenting. 

Without wanting to influence your parenting style, or say that I have any clue what I’m doing here -- I still don’t know what the eff I’m doing as a parent, here are a few things I’ve started doing, or have learned along the way that help me enjoy more daily moments with my kiddos, and feel less guilt about the times I just want to throw up my hands and yell, “this sucks!”

Create Daily Rituals

I don’t know about you, but nothing is worse than a jam-packed day with kids where nothing goes according to plan. You’re running late, they’re breaking down at every juncture, and sometimes patience goes right out the window.

I’ve finally started to understand this phenomenon, and the effect a lack of routine or rituals has on the overall chaos factor of your day. 

In our little universe, I’ve discovered that the days go so much better, and I appreciate the moments so much more when we make time for some simple rituals. Here are the ones we try to do for 15 - 20 minutes every day. And PS, they are the most ‘enjoyed’ moments of my day too!

• Neighborhood walk - we try to go on a walk or hike every day. Sometimes as a family, and sometimes just me and the kids, but I love these moments. The kids ALWAYS complain about going, but then always love the time. The hunt for lizards, or pick flowers and play with our two wiley dogs. This time resets us and helps get the body moving. Some of my most satisfying moments are on our daily walks.

• Reading together - my husband has started reading to our kids every evening. It’s some of his only alone time with the kids each day. They so look forward to this snuggle time, and I love to watch them grow and learn.

• Family dinner - Okay, I’ll be honest. Some nights we are just too tired for this and let them watch a show while eating dinner, or are out and don’t get to it. But most weeknights we sit together and even though getting them to eat can be exhausting at times, it’s always a moment that we are able to find common ground with each other.

• Roses and thorns - I stole this idea from a networking group I was in for a while, but the kids absolutely loved it! At some point toward the end of each day, we talk about what “roses,” or good things occurred in our day, and which parts were the “thorns.” It helps me to know what they struggle with, and love, and it allows them to share their thoughts and feelings with us! I love this part of the day so much. 

Side note: Some days are just a sh*t show, and that’s okay. You can’t always stick to a plan, and those are the days to give yourself a lot of grace, and the kids a lot of leeway. 

Stop. Breathe. Notice. Reflect. Respond.

It’s so easy as a parent to get flooded with all of the to-dos and to-don’ts. It’s hard to actually recognize the moment you are in, and even harder at times to enjoy it! Amiright?!

I don’t love parenting books, and I am definitely not trying to be the guru on this subject. Let’s face it 50% of the time I suck as a mother -- just ask my kids. But, this tactic is something I learned when dealing with my own anxiety, and processing of past trauma I had been through.

The idea is simple: If you can bring yourself back to the moment you are in, and remember that what happened before, and what will happen later isn’t happening right now, it’s easier to stop an anxiety attack.

Boom.

Then one day, I tried it with the kids, and presto, I felt so present and amazing. I mean, clearly, this isn’t something I do well all the time, but I’m getting better at recognizing, “Oh wait, something special is happening here.” Either, my child needs my attentiveness or love because they are feeling neglected, or it’s as simple as watching them run through the sprinklers and stop for a moment to recognize how tall my daughter has gotten, or how much braver my son has become when playing in the water. The stop, breathe, notice, reflect and respond technique makes those day-to-day moments stick.

Here’s a great article from Life Hacker on this tactic if you want to know more!

Recognize Burnout

I think this phrase that I’m about to butcher is from the Alcoholics Anonymous Program, but it goes something like this; “You can only help others once you have helped yourself.” Sorry to whoever wrote this, I’m sure I got the wording wrong, but the point is the point.

The point is that you will not be able to enjoy any of the moments clicking past you with your kiddos if you are overworked, over tired, or just plain burnt out. So if that’s you right now, take a moment to reevaluate your priorities and ask for some additional help. 

I know it’s hard. I’m a recovering (sometimes relapsing) control freak myself, and I totally understand that you feel the weight of the world -- and your family -- on your shoulders, but you’re no good to anyone if you can’t move, think or function. 

If you want more depth on how I’ve managed to pull myself together after burnout, read my post on Managing Anxiety as a Mom. 

From one parent to another, I’m sending you love, brightness of heart, and more joyful moments with your kiddos.

xo