What It Actually Means To Be A Good Mom
Being a "Good Mom" is such a loaded term. After all, as women, we spend most of our formative years being told to be "a good girl" to not be "too emotional" or "too passionate" about any one thing. So it only seems natural that when we become mothers, we become obsessed with being "good enough" mothers, wives, professionals...the list goes on.
The concept of being a "good mom" has been sitting on my heart for the last few years, like a barbell that's just a little too heavy. Every time I try to lift it, I realize that I can't, and there's no spotter to lend a hand.
In honor of Mother's Day, I want to take a moment to reflect on what I really feel it means to be a loving mom. I'm not talking about a good mom or a perfect mom; I'm talking about a mom who lives in HER TRUTH and is raising her children in this light.
Almost every woman I talk with recently has encouraged me to listen to Brene Brown's new podcast, Unlocking Us. If you haven't listened to it, and you're in a position of wanting more out of yourself, your life and your motherhood, I highly recommend it. It was on one of her episodes recently that she discussed with Glennon Doyle the novel idea of becoming the mother you want to be.
I've spent most of my adult life living up to a standard that I didn't set, and felt obligated to uphold. The crushing responsibility culminated a few years ago when I realized my body could physically no longer live up to the insane standard of being a quintessential modern mother. I was expecting myself to work full time, maintain a flawless body and home, but also throw the perfect Pinterest party, eat healthily, but also let loose and party. Basically, be inhuman. And my body finally said, "STOP IT." This is impossible for anyone to do. "You will kill yourself if you continue to try." I wrote a post about that transformation, read it here if you want the backstory.
The realization that what society had told me to do was effing impossible was a hard, disappointing, and transformational awakening. And I haven't been the same since. Startlingly, that transformation was met with so much pushback from myself and others.
See, I had spent a lot of time teaching people how to treat me, and when I said enough is enough, not everyone was supportive. After feeling torn between the truth I now know, and the lie I was living before, I finally realized I had to live in TRUTH. But it wasn't easy. Why?
The lie was more comfortable.
I needed to go so far beyond the point that truth and honesty was the only way forward. I've been working toward owning my power ever since.
What it comes down to is the concept of being a "good mother." And that's what I now know REALLY needed to change.
So, what does it mean to be a good mom?
I recall feeling so depressed a few years ago after a conversation with a family member about my parenting. I left the conversation feeling as though I was required to show up to every family event, plus protect my kids from all the wrongs of the world, but also not set too many rules, and be flexible about what my kids ate and drank and did with others. I felt compelled to be insanely attentive and simultaneously not too controlling, fun, but also a rule setter, flexible, but also willing to plan three months in advance.
I guess my propensity for overachievement makes more sense if you know the former me.
The girl that graduated college after working her way through for seven years, and never asked her parents for a dime out of high school. The girl who got a corporate desk job a few months after graduating and waited seven years to marry her college sweetheart. The girl who was an uber-responsible, type-A, people pleaser. It still makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will offend anyone, or that anyone in the full-wide world might dislike me or my choices. So naturally, this became my parenting style. And it was okay for a time. But then the system broke down.
Life has a funny way of laughing in your face when you think you have it all figured out, and reminding you that, no, in fact, you do not get to control everything.
The hardest reality and lesson that came with my self-growth was a new awareness of how I parent, take care of my children and take care of myself. It wasn't like I just woke up one morning and was like, "Okay, people, I am going to stop caring what everyone else thinks, and be the mother and woman I know I can be." It has been a slow and painful process. One that required me to let go of people, expectations, and the need to please everyone.
But on the other side (or should I say, amid an ongoing growth-process), here's what I've learned.
Being a good mom isn't up for anyone else to decide, but you! If you are striving to be a magnificent mother -- and, if you're reading this post, I know you are -- then maybe what I've learned can help you in your unique journey as a parent. I have learned my own lessons the absolute hardest way possible. Please make it smoother and softer on yourself.
Everyone will have an opinion, you're not required to participate.
Why, oh, why did I put this one first? How many times have you read an article or a blog about how you should take others' opinions about your parenting with a grain of salt? I know I've seen hundreds of quotes and blogs to that effect. Maybe you realize, as I have begun to, that opinions (especially when they come from family and people you love) can bear weight -- and seemingly innocent pieces of feedback slowly press down on your soul. Parenting opinions have affected my decisions with my kids more times than I can count. In the end, I always regretted not following my own gut.
The truth is people LOVE to backseat parent. Whether they are grandparents or a mom at the park, it's like everyone knows more and can do it better. But, no one knows your kids, your situation, or your immediate family unit like you do. They don't stay up night after night or hear their fears and concerns daily. And, they don't get to decide what's right.
See, the hard part is that as women, we're conditioned to care what others think about our appearance, or career choices, and especially about our family choices. Most women I know (myself included) spent the first half of their lives conforming to societal opinions. It's no wonder that we then feel compelled to do the same once we start a family. Those who can control you will try. It's human nature. They have their own visions and dreams of good parenting, but only you have the power to decide what comes into your world and what does not.
Undoing the snap-instinct to conform to someone else's vision of how you should parent is not easy. Believe it or, it took me YEARS to begin to make my own choices for my family, and stop caving to the wishes of the outside influences around me. It gets easier with practice, but start small. Start with the mom on the playground who tells you, "your kids should really stay out of daycare!" Over time you'll begin to feel more comfortable owning your choices for your family no matter where the judgment comes from.
You are authorized to create your own family roadmap.
I get it. It's hard for your sister, brother, father, or mother to let go of the image they had of how your marriage and child-rearing would look. Now that I have kids, I really get this part. I want certain things to happen in my kid's lives as they grow, and those things may not occur.
Why? Because I do NOT OWN my children!
I'm going to say that again. I DO NOT OWN my children. I am nothing more than a steward of these little beings I brought into this world. I have finally embraced the knowledge that I do not need to live out someone else's dream of how my life or my children's life should evolve, and it's freeing.
You are allowed to create your own rules, your own daily routines, your own traditions. If these happen to mirror something you did as a child, GREAT! If they don't, that's great too. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for creating the life you want. It is not their right or their place to direct and own your parenting. Kindly say, "No, thanks. I'm going to raise my family my way. Because this is what's right for us. And you can participate in our plan, or be excused from it. Your choice!"
Being selfless only harms, not helps.
I saw a viral piece of art circulating the internet recently that reminded me how skewed our view of mothers has become. It shows a beautiful woman bending over to kiss her child while carrying a Santa-style sack of what looks like baggage on her back. The quotes I saw along with it were about the beauty of a selfless mother. Is that beautiful? I asked myself. She basically looks like a mule forced to carry everyone else's burden. How harmful it is that our society has forced upon women the idea that a good mother is selfless. If you are selfless, it means you are not taking care of yourself. As women, we are simultaneously told to be 'selfless' and also make sure we are taking time for 'self-care.' How can you do both?
No wonder so many mothers are drained to the point of adrenal fatigue, and utter exhaustion. No wonder the laundry list of self-help books is miles long. We are being asked to live an impossible life as mothers.
Maybe, instead of trying to be selfless for our children, we can instead work on being self-full (yes, I made that up), self-driven, and self-secure.
Maybe working toward being self-full instead of selfless will, in fact, set a better example for our children. So that they do not have to repeat a dysfunctional cycle, and learn a way of life that is slowly killing many mothers.
Own your boundaries, and trust yourself.
One of my favorite quotes goes like this,
"The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none." - Unknown
I really wish I knew who wrote this quote. The first time I read these words, it shook me to my core. It took me so, so, so long to realize that having boundaries as a person and a parent, is natural, acceptable, and should be supported.
The family you've created is a gift you have given to yourself and your partner (if you are raising your kiddos with a partner). No one should be allowed to possess or own that gift but you. Lending the gift of your time, your children's participation and well being, and your trust to others is part of what makes this life so magical and beautiful. Still, if those you share it with do not honor or respect you and the gift of your family, you get to decide how, when, and where you will share with them. You alone have the power to live by your decisions and trust your choices.
If you are surrounded by individuals, whether it be your spouse, friends, or family who do not support your goals, beliefs, and boundaries for your family, now is the time to stop letting them bulldoze your needs. You are the person who is with your kiddos day-in and day-out. You are the person who started your family with a plan and a vision.
Being flexible and able to pivot is necessary as a parent. It is not required or okay for anyone (no matter who they are) to make you feel like your requests and desires are unworthy or unreasonable. Own your boundaries. You can say, "no, that doesn't work for me," and if the person or people you are dealing with cannot respect that, then that is their loss. It is not your job to enable or cave so that someone else can live their best life with your children.
You will mess up because you are human!
I can't even write about this concept without feeling like I am going to crawl out of my skin. The idea of messing up is such a trigger for me. I grew up in a home with two beautiful and creative parents, and they, too, are human and made mistakes. The ups and downs, highs, and lows of my youth made me build walls of perfectionism up around me. I told myself the lie that if I did everything perfectly, I would never suffer, lose anyone, or be wanting in any way. The problem with walls, though, is that eventually, they get broken down by the forces surrounding them.
I am not a perfect mother, woman, wife, or human. And neither are you! That's the beauty of being alive. So buck up. Admit when you're wrong -- even if it's to your seven-year-old, and live!
After all, how will you teach your children to love and forgive themselves, if you can't show the same unconditional love of your inner being?
Be who you are, not who you think you should be.
My absolute favorite thing about becoming a mother has been the gift of seeing who my children ARE. Not who they could be as adults, or might be once they are less emotional or more well behaved -- because that is just the mask they will have to put on to survive in this world -- but who they are at their CORE. We were all like this once, and slowly but surely, the world and our outside influences chipped away at us until we fit the mold we were presented.
The gift I've given myself since I stopped pretending, has been the gift of re-learning who I am, so I can be that person with and for my children. I'm weird in almost every way. I'm a total history nerd. I love to put on great R&B from the 90s and dance in the kitchen. I love to cook. I am alive when I'm in nature. I am loyal to my core, but I'll drop you without a second thought if you push me too far. And I aspire to be a writer that makes you forget that your coffee is growing cold on the table because you can't get enough! (One can dream 😉)
These are gifts I can give my children. Not perfection, but realness. My mother passed this gift of her real self and real talents on to me, and I hope to do the same for my children.
No kid goes to bed at night, wishing their parent was 'more perfect.' They want you to be PRESENT (in mind and body), and to do that, you must be yourself. Take it from a recovering perfectionist, slash people-pleaser, slash lousy communicator.
This is my version of what authentic, unapologetic, unplugged, and wondrous motherhood can look like. It's so much more than being a good mom. I hope this brings you a little inspiration and a lot of fire under your ass to be the mom you want to be.
xoxo
EM 💜
