What to Do When You Don’t Want to Be a Parent Anymore
I'll be honest here for a minute; these last few weeks as a parent have been super challenging for me. I've had just about enough of kids being home from school, having nothing to do, and generally just causing mayhem as I try to work (from the kitchen table 🥵), provide them with snacks, clean up the millions of piles of toy-vomit around the house, and still act like I'm having a great time.
The moments as a parent when you just don't want to parent anymore, but there's no one to relieve you, no one to tell you it will be over soon, and nothing to do other than just figure it out can be insanely tough. It's enough to make any human being, let alone a parent, go a little crazy.
And CRAZY is where my head has been for the past week. I have literally found myself counting down the days until school starts, hours until bedtime, and minutes until they can watch a show or play a video game and leave me the eff alone. 🫣
Now, I recognize that every parent has their own style and method for parenting their children. For some, it's not providing much interference, while others want to be engaged with Every. Single. Thing.
I like to think I fall somewhere in the middle.
Nonetheless, I'm sure some would say I'm an 'overprotective' and 'overly engaged' parent. And yes, in a lot of ways, I am. I'm not ashamed of it because here's the thing: I chose to have children.
I chose to become a parent, I wanted to be a parent, and my children are lovely, unique (albeit crazy) little humans. For better or worse, I want to be part of their lives. I want to be there for them when they are sad, happy, and all the things in between.
But, some days, weeks, or months just get the best of me. And this last week was one of them.
So what should you do when, like me this week, you don't have the energy or desire to be a parent anymore?
After talking myself off the ledge and taking a few deep breaths, I realized there are some things I can do and need to do right now to make sure I can function as a mom -- especially during an emotional crisis.
Take a Break (even if it's a short one)
Often when I feel particularly strained as a mother and at the end of my rope, it's because I have been "on" nonstop without any kind of a break for days.
My survival tool for this kind of parenting exhaustion has become to get out and either take a hike, go for a run, or otherwise spend an afternoon by myself. Even just that tiny break absolutely resets me, and I go from annoyed and exhausted to missing my kiddos in no time.
It's weird because you might think it would be easy, or I might anticipate that I will need a break and plan for it. Sometimes I do, but I can also get into a cycle of responsibility and scheduling that catches me by surprise. I've had to learn the hard way to try and anticipate these burnouts before they happen.
If you can, plan a morning or afternoon away every week. Either get a babysitter, ask your partner to step in, or just put the kids in front of the TV so you can have a mental break. It will help, I promise!
Write a Letter
Being a writer, journaling, or writing for a blog comes naturally to me. It's how I process life, get through tough times, and find inspiration. Not everyone feels the ease I do with writing, and I get it!
But, if you are in a low mental place as a parent, the world may seem to be closing in. You may not feel you can handle one more responsibility, argument, or childcare need. If that's how you are feeling, try sitting down and writing a letter to either yourself, your partner, your kids, or God about the problems you face. It is a way to get out and process some pent-up frustration and emotion! This article from Calm Moment offers additional thoughts on using letter writing to process your feelings and ultimately move through the parenthood slump.
Do it Your Way
Being a parent today is more complex than ever. The helicopter parenting advice and oodles of blogs, articles, and books on 'how to be a good parent' are overwhelming and often conflicting. It's enough to make any person question their choices, worry endlessly about whether or not they are a good parent, and make you feel like it's all just too much. As long as your children's basic needs are met, there is nothing wrong with throwing out the playbook and parenting your way! Eff everyone else.
I feel the need to say that your children's basic needs must be met for this concept to be appropriate. You must ask yourself, particularly in times of personal strife, "Are they safe? Do they have enough food, water, and warmth? Do they know I love them? Are they able to thrive mentally?" If you cannot answer "yes" to these basic needs questions, you must try to find a place or person to help you and your children ensure their fundamental needs are met. If you are in a crisis, please call the National Parent Stress Hotline for advice and assistance.
Make Space for Fun
If you are, like I have been, just mentally exhausted and feeling the strain of parenting, then, by all means, let some things go! And then go do something fun with your kiddos. There are so many responsibilities as an adult and parent. And it's no wonder many parents regret taking on the job of raising their little humans at times. What you can't change doesn't mean that you can't find space for a new perspective.
Skip practice, cancel that family gathering, go to the pool or on a picnic -- or just get outside for the day. Let the responsibilities go for a moment, and remember, they will still be there tomorrow!
Talk About It
If you're reading this, perhaps you are already at a breaking point. And if you are; if you feel like there's no way out, and you just hate the job of being a parent, then now is the time to talk with someone about it. It's okay to feel the way you are feeling, and it's typical, in fact! But what's not okay is to let yourself sit within the chains of your depression or anger about being a parent and let that toxicity filter out into your life and your children's lives.
You'd don't even have to talk to a therapist, although this is the method I most recommend, and if you can, get into the therapy chair asap! (Here's a list of online therapy services if you need them.)
If therapy is not accessible to you, or you don't want to talk with a therapist, find a friend or family member to vent to about your parenting woes. You'll be surprised how many other moms, dads, and grandparents (the list goes on) have felt the same way and have the insight to share with you!
Stop Blaming Your Children
I feel horrible some days. I feel like a terrible mother, friend wife. Sometimes I feel angry at the world or my children. I struggle with depression and anxiety; some days, it just gets the best of me. I find myself wanting to crawl in bed and never come out. Somehow I push through those moments and come out the other side, but it's not easy. And there's one thing I make sure to do that really makes the difference in finding renewed motivation and peace as a parent:
I remind myself that although parenting is insanely tough, at the end of the day, I CHOSE TO BE A PARENT.
This bears repeating: I chose to be a parent. My children did not get the same luxury. They did not get to choose me.
And because of this, my children deserve my attention and care, no more, no less. It's not your children's job or responsibility to make your life easier. Children are dependent, and they feel everything. They watch our every move. They develop their sense of self, worth, and happiness based on how we treat them and ourselves. I am not trying to make you feel worse, but complaining about your children in a mean and hurtful way, online or otherwise, will negatively affect you and them. Raising humans is challenging. You are likely to mess it up in many ways, but those feelings and facts do not change the fact that you are a parent and your children need you. They did not choose you; you chose them.
Buck Up or Fake It
As a professional, I sometimes don't want to go to work. But I recognize that I need to make money, so I reach down inside, and even on these hard days, I find the strength to do what needs to be done. Even if that means faking my way through the day just to get to tomorrow.
Your children are not to blame no matter what you feel, and it's okay to be feeling it. If you are a parent, you were given a choice at some point in your journey as to whether to try to have a child, whether to keep a child, or whether to raise a child. There are people and resources to remove that responsibility if you do not want it. So if you are a parent feeling burnt out, that's okay. What's absolutely not okay is to blame your situation on your children.
So, whatever you need to do to get through this low point of parenting, do it. I have had to do it for myself many times. Get yourself up, and find the strength to get through just one day at a time so you can get back on track and give yourself and your children the love, support, and life you deserve.
