10 Self-Renewal Steps to Reset Your Life as a Woman or Mom with Cancer
Everything changes in an instant when you’re diagnosed with cancer. There’s a severing or split that takes place, and almost immediately, you become painfully aware of what life was before, and how it and you have changed after your diagnosis. Life after a cancer diagnosis holds a multitude of emotions, including feeling utterly disoriented, processing your grief, being bombarded with anger and questions like “Why me?” and “Why now?”, and especially if you’re a mom, the reality of being catapulted into survival mode. These are all normal splits between who you were before and who you are after a cancer diagnosis as a woman or mother.
There are moments for sure when you probably want to laugh in the face of anyone who suggests taking time for self-care. You’re likely just trying to figure out who you are, and what you can even do in the face of this “new,” you. Right?!
But let me tell you, based on my own experience of having cancer as a mother, you can find ways to rebuild yourself. Whether you’re just diagnosed, in cancer treatment, or post-treatment, trying to navigate a new world as a cancer survivor, finding ways to welcome self-renewal into your life and emotional recovery as you navigate healing is critical to your long-term health and wellbeing. I’m not here to tell you that you need to “bounce back” or “fight through” anything that you are experiencing now or recovering from.
I’m just a mom who’s navigating treatment and recovery from stage four cancer, and I want to share some of the essential things I’ve learned so far.
Step 1: Let Go of Who You Were Supposed to Be
Yes, you heard me right. One of the hardest identity shifts I’ve had to make after being diagnosed with cancer is in letting go of who I was “supposed to be” and accepting who I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I frankly like who I am now way more than the me from before, but it’s taken me time to get to this place of acceptance.
It starts with letting go of old expectations of yourself and others.
Maybe it’s travel that needs to stop, or social engagements you can no longer get to. Maybe it’s letting other people pick up your kids or grocery shop for you. These things seem little, but if you’re going through cancer treatment as a mom, or processing a diagnosis, you know how hard it can be to release these old expectations. I’ll tell you what, though, you might just be pleasantly surprised when you do!
Your identity is going to shift throughout this experience with cancer.
Maybe you were always the “most healthy person” in your group, or you were “the strong one” in the family, or even the person who would flippantly say, “You just get one life, I’m going to have fun!” Whatever it was that you felt defined you before is now going to shift. It has to shift, and you will find yourself wanting to change along with it, like pausing work or your career, or suddenly not being able to attend every event or meet every need.
Instead of focusing on feeling like you’re falling behind, maybe embrace evolving.
There are these pivotal moments in life where you get to decide, are you going to stay in it, or are you going to evolve? You can fight against all of the ways your body and mind are forcing change in yourself, your life, and your family right now, or you can accept and surrender to how this whole experience with cancer is helping you evolve. You get to decide.
Step 2: Shrink Your World on Purpose
This is a time to zoom in on your world and really focus only on what truly matters. For me, it is anything surrounding my husband and my children. If it involves something with my nuclear family, I’m all in. Everything else might sound nice, or feel like an obligation I can’t ignore, but I am learning to just say no, or move on with my life and let go of the things that don’t really impact my world on a day-to-day basis.
You need every ounce of energy right now.
Because if you haven’t discovered this already, you need every ounce of energy you can get right now. Energy conservation during treatment is critical to your overall ability to make it through, and by extension, your ability to be present for the things that DO really matter – like your kids needing help with their homework, or finding a moment with your partner to just say, “I love you.”
There is power and relief in saying “no.”
Before you have kids, there’s a belief that “nothing will change” after bringing another human being into the world. Well, any parent knows that the second you hear that first little cry and hold your beautiful child in your arms, everything changes. Not because it has to change, but because you want to change – to be the parent you want to be!
I feel exactly the same about all of the “no’s” I’ve said since I was diagnosed with cancer. It’s not that you can’t push through, and do all the things – well perhaps you physically can’t – but regardless of whether you just absolutely cannot do something or be there for someone in a way that doesn’t work for you, or you’re saying “no” because you just want more rest, or don’t feel comfortable in the setting or situation, it’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay; it’s what you will find yourself doing more than ever before, and you should be proud of yourself.
You have the power to make your life into the perfect cocoon for your healing. Don’t let anything or anyone steal your ability to take care of yourself.
Step 3: Redefine Strength
Okay, this is a hard one, especially with all of the misinformation and toxic positivity floating around on social media. But let me tell you, I have had to dig deep since my cancer diagnosis, as a woman, a friend, a wife, and a mother, and I know how strong I have had to be. And here’s the thing:
Resting and reframing your strengths.
For me, strength has not been found in “pushing through” or doing more.
The strength I have discovered for myself has been in the vulnerable places, like asking for help because I literally cannot get out of bed, and resting instead of working because my body needs it.
Relationships that don’t come with expectations.
You will find strength in the friends who call just because they want to check in on you, and the moments where you can laugh uncontrollably at something your kiddo does. Allow these things to bring you the strength you need to get through this.
Step 4: Build a Micro Routine That Grounds You
In the early stages of treatment, for me, building a micro routine was essential to even getting out of bed and getting through the day.
If you are going through cancer treatment right now and do not have a daily routine, I urge you to consider implementing one for yourself.
Your daily routine doesn’t need to be complicated or include anything that is outside of your natural abilities in this moment. Your micro routine just needs to include some simple daily anchors that can help set parameters for your day and create a simple structure for your life right now, when everything else feels unmanageable and chaotic.
Here are the grounding practices I include in my day, every day, and have been able to do even when I’ve been in the hospital and barely able to get out of bed.
Gratitude and manifestation - I write down (more accurately, I send myself an email) every day, including the following prompts. Some days I only have the energy to write down one thing, but others I find myself digging in and writing a full laundry list.
What am I grateful for today?
What am I letting go of or releasing?
What am I bringing into my life and manifesting?
5-10 minutes of meditation - I love the Calm app, and I try to do a 10-minute meditation right after my coffee every morning. But on the days I can’t get out of bed, I literally do some form of meditation or grounding session in bed. Just the prompts alone can help de-escalate and re-regulate my body.
Measuring my hydration - This may sound silly, but if I focus on how much water, tea, and electrolytes I want to drink each day (in ounces), and work towards it throughout the day, it makes me feel in control of something. And, it helps keep me hydrated!
Writing for the sake of it - For me, writing is an outlet. Whether it’s a blog post or another project, just having this on my list makes me feel like I have something to do and look forward to. You pick what’s your favorite thing, but this works for me.
Exercise even when I don’t wanna - I don’t mean heavy-HITT workouts. But, even when the treatment-induced fatigue is at its worst, if I do a quick stretching video, a low-impact weights workout, or take a walk, I find that some (if not all) of my energy is restored. Even 10 minutes makes a difference.
Step 5: Feed Your Body Without Obsessing
Okay, if you don’t know this already, you will soon discover that everyone has an opinion about why you were the one to get cancer, and what you should be eating and doing now that you have it. The feedback can be overwhelming and, most of the time, frankly unhelpful.
Here’s what I have learned from my time with cancer and in treatment about nutrition and support through diet for my body during this phase.
Compassionate nutrition is more important than harsh regulation.
You are in the midst of the most difficult job your body has ever had to do. Adding the stress of strict food regulations and restrictions to your diet is not only stressful but can also be counterproductive. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look at your diet as a healing tool to aid in your cancer recovery while you get treatment. But it does mean that stressing about it is likely going to do more harm than good.
Healing versus perfection.
Be compassionate to yourself. If you can’t abide by the dietary guidelines you set for yourself one day, allow yourself to be okay with that and reapproach them the next day. The end goal is to get through treatment and survive cancer, not win a prize for being the most regimented person with cancer ever to live.
Listen to your body.
What works for one person may be the absolute wrong thing for you. This is the moment, more than any other time in your life, to listen to how your body, mind, and soul react to things around you. And food is one of the biggest triggers out there. A juice-only diet may be the holy grail for one person, but it is not you. Listen, learn, and let go of the things that are too difficult to accomplish in your life right now.
Step 6: Protect Your Mental Space
Have you ever heard of the Spoon Theory? “Spoon theory is a simple metaphor created by Christine Miserandino, a blogger living with lupus, to explain what it’s like to live with limited energy. In her writing, she uses spoons to represent units of energy. Every task, big or small, costs a spoon. Getting out of bed might cost one spoon. Taking a shower could take two more. By the time breakfast is over, you might already be down a few spoons,” explains the National Center on Health, Physical Activity, and Disability.
The point is, that you need to protect your mental and physical space when you’re in the process of treating cancer, and your “spoon alocation” make a big difference in how you can gracefully, and effectively manage day-to-day demands, and energy.
Here are a few ways I limit my daily spoons, or utilize that mental space now that I’m expending so much more energy on healing from cancer.
I limit my online time - This is a hard one for me because my day job includes being on social media, and online in general. But, I only allow myself 10-15 minutes per day to “just scroll.”
I limit commitments and conversations - You’ll find some engagements and conversations lift your spirits, and some drag you down. Limit the ones that do not fill your cup.
Choose things that are emotionally grounding and healing - whether it be chatting with a certain friend, or reading a book. Let this be a daily choice, over draining activities.
Find your non-negotiables - It might be your faith, or spiritual community, it might be a regular therapy appointment, or massage, whatever takes energy, but also gives it back to you should be on your “must do,” list.
Here is a great podcast about Spoon Theory, from Relish with Alyssia Sheikh.
Step 7: Allow Grief and Gratitude to Coexist
Quite litterally, one minute I feel incredibly grateful to be alive, and the next I feel the weight of everything I am carrying, and working through right now. You are allowed to be devastated and grateful at the same time. You will feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. And, this is okay.
Coping with cancer is not only devastating, it is also hopeful. It’s not only soul crushing, it also comes with immense recognition for how beautiful and wonderful you are and life can be.
And, part of that duality and survival is allowing yourself to grieve the loss of who you were before, while still celebrating who you are now, and what you are becoming.
Step 8: Accept and Reshape Yourself
Nothing prepares you for how your body changes during cancer treatment. From the side effects like neuropothy, hair loss, scars, and skin conditions, to the shock of what you look like when you look in the mirror, it is not easy to accept.
Your body image after cancer, and during cancer treatment creates presents its own path to acceptance and reshaping the idea of what’s normal, what’s beautiful, and what feels like the “you” you know.
No matter what anyone says, or tells you, your scars (internal and external), and self-image will evolve. And you will evolve with it. Just give yourself the grace and time to get there without pressure or force.
Step 9: Reevaluate What Actually Matters
A few people warned me when I was diagnosed with cancer that I would need to, or be forced to reevaluate many things in my life. In theory, I understood this to be true, but I truly had no idea how much would need realignment.
Release Relationships
As much as you might want or hope that your relationships with friends and family remain the same, going through being diagnosed with cancer, and then subsequent cancer treatment, and all that come with it is equivelent to moving to a forgein country where you don’t know the language, customs or norms.
There will be individuals that can meet you where you are at, and where you are going. And there will be new connections that enrich your life and healing process in ways you never could have imagined. There will also be relationships that no longer fit, or fade away. Reevaluating what actually matters means you also have to look at what isn’t working or no longer fits into your life. You will gain some, lose some, and at the end of the day, you will find out what really matters in your life and relationships.
Redefine Working
Redefining your priorities, especially with work is essential right now. Maybe you allowed yourself to get caught up in the office drama before, or allowed yourself to be a doormat with your team or clients. That all needs to stop. Seriously. Just stop it.
It may feel foreign and frustrating at first, but focusing in on alignment versus ambition during this phase of your life and road to healing should be nonnegotiable.
Look for tasks you can hand off, and actually give them away
Assess every single interaction or meeting and don’t attend anything that is not critical to your job
Show up late or leave early, and don’t feel like you need to give a reason
Slow You Pace of Life
I’m a doer. Historically, I’m always moving. If I’m not working, I’m working out, or cleaning, or running the kids from here to there. Being diagnosed with cancer, and then figuring out how to manage life during treatment changed all of that.
Slowing your pace of life will likely not just be desired, but essential to your mental health and survival. Your body is fighting multiple battles on multiple fronts, and keeping up your pace from before is likely the most important thing for you to let go of right now.
I wish I could tell you, everything will stay the same, but I would be doing you a disservice if I did.
Step 10: Choose Forward, Even If It’s Small
Redefining your life after a cancer diagnosis is hard. It’s not just hard, it’s effing hard. And when people say things like “you’re so strong,” or “I don’t think I could do what you’re doing,” it probably makes you want to punch them in the face. Just kidding – not really.
But try to remember, your experience with this disease is unlike anyone else’s. And your ability to move through it in a way that works for you doesn’t need to follow a certain format or path. You are amazing, and choosing to focus on the fact that you are moving forward is critical. One small decision at a time, you’re making progress.
Remember, that you can still live life, even in the face of this uncertainty, and road to healing. You can find joy in small victories, and hope in the spaces between the big decisions, procedures, and tests.
You Might Be Starting Over. But, You’re Starting Wiser.
As a mom going through cancer treatment, believe me, I know how hard it is to surrender to the fact that you’re starting over in a lot of different ways. Not being able to be at every event for your kiddos, or volunteer for every opportunity is tough. Not knowing if you’ll feel well enough to stay up late, or go on that trip is unnerving. And then you add work, and other life-expectations to the mix, and quickly, life as a mom with cancer feels unbrearbly overwhelming.
But here’s the thing; I quickly realized that what my kids needed from me had nothing to do with how much I volunteered, or which things I could attend. There have been days where all I can do is sit on the couch and watch a movie with my daughter. Or, watch and listen as my son tells me his latest joke. And really, at the end of the day, that’s all they need and I need.
So when the moments feel long and unmanageable, and you start you start to doubt that you can do this, try and remember that you might be starting over, but every step of this phase of life with cancer is making you wiser, and more accepting of what IS.
Sending you all of the love, strength and peace you need right now.
