Ten Things I’ve Learned Being A Parent of Two
“Good morning,” I said softly as my eight-year-old son sleepily waddled toward me with his nighttime blankie in tow. It’s just after 5:45 a.m., and I was planning to cram in some writing and answering of emails before the morning rush begins. Instead, I close my computer and open my arms as he comes in for a morning snuggle.
This is our routine. He’s my morning buddy and loves to get up early to have a little extra time with me before everyone else in the house is awake.
I smile as he nuzzles into the crook of my arm. I drink my coffee, and we sit there for a few minutes, happy.
My daughter, on the other hand, usually sleeps in. Yes, partly because she is now eleven, in middle school, and transitioning into tweenager land, but also, she’s never really been the type to get up early and want a snuggle.
She’s been a go-go-go kind of person since the day she was born. So, she and I must connect and spend time together differently.
Over the eleven years I’ve been a parent, and yes, to all of you grown-and-flown moms out there, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh, honey, you have no idea yet!” All the same, over this decade plus, I’ve learned (often the hard way 🥴) a number of valuable lessons about parenting two very unique little humans.
Whether you’re a new mom of two, a mommy to more than two, or are going through a tough time with parenting your kiddos, I hope this list helps bring you some peace, insight, and a laugh or two (no pun intended 🤪).
One: They Both Equally Need You
This might seem like a no-brainer or “no duh” tip. But, it can be easy as a parent of two to forget this simple fact at times. There are so many different phases, challenges, and moments that come along with being a parent to multiple children, and in the midst of trying to survive, I see you parents with two kids under five 🫠. It can be easy to neglect one of your kiddos' needs while trying to solve for the needs of the other one.
I’ll give you an example of this: when my son was four years old, he became really sick. He couldn’t keep anything down, and we ended up in the ER for twenty-four hours because of his immense fluid loss. Both my husband and I were worried sick. While I stayed at home with our older daughter, he went to the hospital with our son, but my mind was focused on my daughter’s needs at that moment. A few weeks later, she came to me and said, “Mom, it really hurt my feelings how you didn’t want to be with me when *brother* was sick.”
I hadn’t really thought about the fact that my then seven-year-old daughter wouldn’t understand the nuances and seriousness of what was going on. And she still needed me.
The point? You will have moments when one kid’s needs far outweigh the other one’s. Or maybe one kid is just “the easy” one. Try to remember that they don’t see it that way and still want and need your attention and love.
Two: Celebrate Their Differences
Two are not made of the same cloth – well, technically, they may both come from you and your spouse or partner, but as any parent you’ll ever meet will tell you, each child is completely different. Their needs are different. Their personalities are different. And this is the case from birth!
I don’t have scientific studies to quote here to make my point, but I’ve never encountered two siblings who are exactly the same.
Therefore, why would you expect the same things from them?
The generation of parents raising their children now seems to be more in tune with this concept, but if you were raised in the seventies or eighties, you know that parents expected their children to accomplish many of the same things and behave in a certain way despite their differences.
If you were raised in this type of environment, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of thinking this is the same for your two children. They both need to play soccer, they both need to learn guitar, and the list goes on.
I have fallen into this trap a bunch of times and have learned that it doesn’t serve my children or our family. Now, I try as much as possible to watch, learn, and celebrate the unique differences of each of my kiddos.
They do entirely different things in different ways, and it’s awesome.
Three: Create Space for One-On-One Time
As a parent, there is only so much you can do in one day. It can feel overwhelming and like being on a hamster wheel at times. So, the idea of adding specific one-on-one time with each kiddo may seem daunting and impossible.
Here’s the thing: We don’t get these moments with our children if we don’t make time for them. It’s the same as brushing your teeth every night or creating time for a family meal. The easy thing is to skip it. But some of the most magical times I’ve had with each of my children have come from the moments I created where we could have one-on-one time.
It can be as simple as a weekly coffee/hot chocolate date or as planned as an overnight trip to see a concert or go to a museum. Whatever you choose, I guarantee you that each of your children will remember it, and you will be that much closer to them for it.
Four: Find THINGS To Love Together
Maybe this seems contradictory (and it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve tried to thread the needle 😉), but really it’s not. As necessary as it is to seek out one-on-one time with your individual children, I’ve discovered that it’s equally meaningful to find the things we all love and that your children love doing together.
This concept is actually something that I’ve carried with me from my youth. I have two younger sisters, and although we are all three very different, we were raised to find joy and happiness in a few shared things. We’re now closer than many of my friends are with their siblings because of these rituals we started as children.
With my own two kiddos, I’ve now noticed that when I make a point of seeking out daily activities and traditions that they share and love equally, they get along better and are more respectful of each other.
Note: This doesn’t work in competition. They both play soccer, for example, but I have learned they cannot practice together because there is too much competition in that space, and they resent each other for it.
What do we do together that they love? Here are some examples:
Games and puzzles - Our kids love playing games and doing puzzles together. They crack each other up, and it’s a fun way for them to stay entertained away from the TV.
Hikes and Walks - We take a lot of hikes and walks together.
Gardening - They have to work together, and it’s a bonding experience.
Five: Parent them Both Individually
Have you ever tried something with your younger child that worked beautifully with their older sibling, only to discover that it’s a completely different ballgame?
Yeah, I’ve been there! It’s amazing how many times I have mistakenly thought the same tactic we used with our older daughter would work with our younger son – only to get smacked in the face with the reality that, NO, in fact, each child is so different and the same things don’t work the same way with each of them.
As my children have grown, the need to parent them as individuals, not as a whole, has become even more apparent and necessary.
Maybe this isn’t news to you, but if you’re anything like me, a gentle reminder from time to time is incredibly important.
Six: Avoid Pushing Stereotypes
Yes, your girl might love pink, and if that’s the case, great! No, your boy might not adore sports, and that doesn’t mean anything other than that it’s just not his jam.
We now live in a world where the complexities of whether or not your child is a “stereotypical kid” have become hot-button issues and may seem extremely daunting or overwhelming to you as a parent.
Here’s the thing I’ve noticed. Your kids are going to be who they are no matter how hard you push for them to be one way or another. All that said, though, it’s also possible to overthink Every. Little. Thing. your children do or say, with the intent of being a conscious or attentive parent, when really you’re adding unneeded weight and stress to your and your children’s lives. After all, they are kids. They will try things on for size, and sometimes, it will become part of who they are. Other times, it’s just a phase.
So, instead of falling into the trap of focusing on stereotypes with your children, try and give them the space to be whimsical when they want to be a dancer or a soccer player if that makes them happy.
But if you notice, you’re the one pushing the agenda for them and who they are. Stop, take a pause, and ask, “Why am I doing this? Is this for them or for me?”
Seven: Apologize As Often As Needed
It’s hard to apologize. I get it. It’s hard for most adults to apologize to each other, let alone to their children. It’s even harder to realize you might have screwed up or been wrong in the first place.
This is the hardest lesson I have learned, over and over again, as a parent thus far.
When you know you did something wrong with your kids, or even if you think it was the right thing to do, but it hurt them somehow, you need to apologize. And no, I don’t mean saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “My bad.” I mean a real, sincere apology.
For reasons I cannot fully disclose in this post, my children have already experienced more than their share of challenges and disappointments. It has pushed our little family to a different edge, and we have all needed to learn better tactics to communicate with each other and express our feelings. The benefit of this experience is that our kids, probably more than most, are really great at letting us know now when we’ve hurt them or done something that feels icky to them.
Their trust in us and effort to express their feelings has changed me. It’s forced me to look at myself repeatedly as a parent and ask, “What’s the purpose of my behavior?”
And, through that, I’ve discovered that often, what’s needed is a sincere apology. At first, this was really difficult for me, but with time, It’s become part of our ongoing relationship – me and my children.
As parents and human beings, we’re going to mess up. But instead of covering it up with excuses, next time, sit down with your child or children, listen to their concerns, look them in the eye, and apologize!
Eight: Allow Them to Problem-Solve with Each Other
Are you ever in the other room, and you can hear the bickering or the start of an argument? Of course, when this happens, I immediately get annoyed and think to myself, “Why are they fighting again!” and my first instinct is to jump in, break them up, and resolve the fight.
A friend of mine with older kiddos at one point asked me, “Why are you jumping in? Don’t you think they can solve the problem together?” That surprised me because I was so used to being the peacekeeper.
So, with her insight in hand, I started waiting a little longer each time to go in and break up the argument.
Side note: This does not include arguments where there’s hitting or throwing of any kind. Just normal disagreements.
Weird thing: When I stay out of it just five minutes longer, half the time, they work it out and move on.
The other half, they come running out to me. Crying that “their sibling is sooo mean.” It’s called balance. 😉
Nine: Allow for Flexibility and Changes
If you grew up in an uncertain or unsafe environment, your default is to be pretty rigid as an adult and a parent. That’s your defense mechanism.
Even if you were raised in a calm and supportive environment, let’s face it, parenting is just effing hard, and schedules, rules, and regulations can sometimes make it more manageable.
But, like all good routines, rules, and schedules, sometimes everything falls into place, and other times it all falls apart. Especially with parenting multiple kiddos, there are more ways than one that your day can go sideways.
Flexibility and willingness to throw out the plan are essential to ongoing happiness in your family unit. So one of your kids has a soccer game, and the other one is sick. Yeah, it sucks, but it’s just life with kids, and instead of letting it ruin your day, break out the tea and movies for kiddo number one while your spouse, partner, or friend takes kiddo number two to their game.
Ten: Foster Their Sibling Relationship
I placed this one last because, although I don’t have grown children yet, my experience and instinct tell me this is one of the most important lessons out there.
It is so easy, within our culture and the context of “wanting to foster individuality” in your children, to allow them to drift apart. To be so focused on their individual needs that the value and benefit of their shared relationship get lost in the shuffle.
Now, I know there are extraneous circumstances here, so again, I’ll say that I’m speaking from experience with my own adult siblings and from watching friends, family, and my children over time.
Here’s my belief – take it or leave it.
Your children have been given a gift. You have given them to each other. With the right support and development of their shared relationship, they will have each other and rely on each other their whole lives. When it is a healthy relationship, sibling bonds are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever witnessed. But, more often than not, there are toxic dynamics between siblings and years of resentment and misunderstanding that have stemmed from a lack of problem-solving and respect for each other.
Your children’s viewpoint of each other starts with you. You get to choose how much you prioritize their relationship, their ability to be open and honest with each other, and their feelings of loyalty to the other. Don’t minimize it. Just because they are siblings does not mean they will be automatically close as adults. It’s a learned skill. And you can either foster their love and relationship or act as if it doesn’t matter. What do you think will matter more in the long run?
