How to Become a Conscious Parent by Healing from Your Childhood Trauma
I wasn’t always a conscious, gentle parent.
I was raised by a single mom with three kids under the age of 7. My childhood was marked by her struggles, her pain, and the harsh parenting techniques she inherited from her retired military stepfather’s overpowering, colossal presence.
My mom’s parenting style sounded like, “If you want something to cry about, I’ll give you something!” And “Go to your room until you can stop crying!”
Looking back, it doesn't seem surprising that I became a trained military interrogator. I brought that same level of strict discipline into my middle school teaching career, where classroom behavior management felt like a breeze in comparison.
And when I became a mom, I initially mirrored that assertive, no-time-for-your-games approach to parenting.
The trouble was, my daughter wasn’t buying it.
One morning, short on time and patience, I was yet again steamrolling her out the door. And at the tender age of three, my daughter called out my aggressive nature and demanded that I stop yelling.
“I no like when you yell like that,” her little voice managed between her sobs.
I could have responded as I had before – replicating the same patterns I grew up with. I could have ignored her pleas and forcibly carried her out of the house, kicking and screaming, just as my mother would have done.
But something deep within me woke up that morning. It urged me to sit with my daughter and truly listen to her request for kindness.
That was the moment that I realized I had a choice.
I could choose to be the parent I knew I wanted to be – the parent I needed when I was a child – or I could choose to parent the way I had been parented, the way I thought parenting was supposed to be.
My journey towards conscious, gentle parenting didn’t begin with researching “gentle parenting.” It didn’t even begin with the realization that different parenting approaches exist.
Instead, I started to listen to my inner knowing, a voice I’ve come to recognize as my inner child – the younger version of me. The one who grew up in a home with high demands, rigid expectations, and very little tolerance for emotions.
That little girl needed love, compassion, understanding, and patience–the very things my own daughter needed from me.
This was the opposite of what I had long perceived parenting was supposed to be.
The thing is, becoming a conscious, gentle parent is an ongoing process. There is no welcome sign proclaiming, “Congratulations! You’ve arrived!”
Instead, every day is a practice in self-awareness and emotional regulation. Some days flow with grace as I respond to my children with patience and a calm presence. On other days, my inner turmoil resembles a raging hurricane, and I struggle to contain my emotional reactivity.
It’s a voyage where I both continue to learn and grow and as Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
So, how did I go from being an unconscious parent, my head filled with the echoes of my own childhood trauma, to becoming a conscious parent and coach? It took time–as all things worth doing do.
Here are the six practices that I continually use to support my growth as a conscious parent:
Self-Reflection and Healing
My journey started with a deep dive into self-reflection. I began to untangle the layers of my own childhood trauma, acknowledging the wounds that shaped me. Healing those wounds became my priority, not just for myself but for my children's and their futures' sake.
Self-reflection is an important part of my daily practice, allowing me to recognize my own thought patterns and behaviors that are rooted in childhood messages that may still need healing. I process my strong reactions and emotions in several ways that I’ve learned help me reset:
Through journaling, I ask:
“Where in my body do I feel the emotion?”
“What message have I attached to the emotion?”
“What is my reaction in the situation trying to tell me about needs that aren’t being met?”
Seeking Support and Guidance
As a fiercely independent woman, my instinct was to resist, but I recognized that I couldn’t navigate this path alone. I leaned on support from therapists and coaches specializing in inner child healing and conscious parenting. And these individuals provided invaluable insights and tools to help me on my journey.
Even today, nearly 8 years into my own healing and transformation, I continue to work with therapists and coaches to support each stage of my healing journey.
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
Over time and with instruction, I’ve embraced mindfulness practices, becoming more aware of my emotions and reactions.
Here are a few ways I work toward mindfulness and emotional regulation:
I start every morning by lighting sage, grounding myself with breathwork, and a short affirmation meditation.
Throughout the day, I take short mindfulness breaks to recenter my energy and check in with myself and my needs. Learning to regulate my own emotions and nervous system allowed me to respond to my kids with greater patience and empathy.
Empathy and Connection
Understanding the impact of my own childhood trauma has helped me empathize with my children's emotions and experiences.
This empathy continually deepens our connection and fosters a more nurturing and respectful parent-child relationship.
Repair and Patience
Becoming a conscious parent is a continuous journey, not a destination. I remind myself daily to be patient with myself and my kids, knowing that growth takes time and I will sometimes resort to learned behaviors.
When old habits and triggers do take over, I extend myself grace and compassion. Rather than criticize myself for “messing up,” I try to allow myself space to be human.
When I am calm, I will circle back with my children to apologize for my behavior and correct my mistakes. I feel it is essential that they understand they are not responsible for my harsh reactions and emotional outbursts.
Continuous Learning
I didn't stop working at healing – I continue to educate myself about various parenting philosophies, healing modalities, and nervous system regulation. This knowledge allows me to refine my parenting approach and adapt it to my family's unique needs as my kids transition between developmental stages and our needs as a family shift.
In closing…
Last night, after a particularly hard day for our family, my daughter burst into tears at the dinner table. Seeing the time on the clock, knowing we were pressing up against her brother’s bedtime, I felt that familiar rush of impatience and desire to squash the emotion so we could just get on with the night.
My learned awareness allowed me to recognize the urge to shut down her emotions. I took a deep, grounding breath, repeated a mantra to myself, and allowed my own angst and fear to pass through me before supporting my daughter. Instead of telling her that she was tired and needed to go to bed, I moved to her side, pulled her close, and gently said, “It’s OK to cry. Today was really hard. I’m here, love.”
As her body relaxed into mine and her tears flowed freely, I realized how far I’ve come on this journey from an unconscious parent to a conscious parent and coach. It’s easy to get sucked into parenting from patterns and learned behaviors. I've embraced gentle parenting principles, prioritizing empathy, connection, and emotional well-being in my family's life.
I share my story with the hope that it inspires other mamas who may be wrestling with their own childhood traumas and messages that are showing up in their parenting. You, too, can choose to break the cycle, listen to that inner voice calling for change, and embark on a path of healing and conscious parenting.
It's a journey filled with challenges and growth, but it's also a path to creating a more loving and nurturing environment for your children – one where they can flourish and thrive.
Your transformation into a conscious, gentle parent is a testament to your strength and resilience. The journey is worthwhile, and the rewards are immeasurable – not just for you but also for your children.
About the Author:
Tina Hamilton is a mom of 2 and an educator of 15+ years turned Parent Coach for mothers ready to radically transform their experience of parenting to one of joy, ease, and loving connection. As a certified trauma-informed mentor, Tina helps stretched-thin moms with frazzled nervous systems to learn healthy, simple, and wildly effective ways to emotionally regulate themselves to create harmonious, trusting, and connected relationships with their children.
For real-world parenting healing tools and resources, follow Tina on Instagram @healingparentcoach or on her website, healingparent.com.
