Finding Fulfillment and Happiness as a 42-Year-Old Woman
Well, the thing I thought was oh-so-far away ten years ago has happened. I turned forty-two. And I’m now officially considered a middle-aged woman. 😱
You see, I don’t feel middle-aged. I don’t feel like I’m now in the second half of my life. If anything, I finally feel like I am living my life.
Being “middle-aged” is a funny thing as a woman in America with children, a career, a husband…the list goes on.
Something has shifted in me since I turned forty. A lot of the things I was uncertain about or uncomfortable with have started to fade away or fall into place.
Elisabeth (Lis) Thomas, founder of Womanhood Unwrapped and her kiddos.
That’s not to say that I don’t have days where I’m all out of sorts, all over the place, or dealing with major imposter syndrome. But in most ways, I am now seeing how I can fully let go of the insecurity and uncertainty of my thirties and embrace these middle-aged years.
So if you’re turning forty-two soon, you’ve already crossed the threshold into your mid-forties, or you’re just curious and planning for the future, here are some of the ways I’m striving to live a fulfilled and fabulous life at forty-two years old.
Recognizing & Healing Trauma
I spent a lot of my thirties angry and confused. And no, not every thirty-something-year-old woman goes through their thirties in “angry mode,” but I did. Some of the anger and confusion I felt over the course of that decade was caused by my own decisions. I became a mother in my thirties, I started a company, I lost a company, I gained and lost relationships. It was a time of constant change. And often, I felt lost. Because I had achieved all the things I thought I wanted in my twenties, only to discover that a) some of these things were not what I thought they were, and b) parenthood, marriage, and business ownership are really effing hard!
But, some of my thirty-something turmoil also came from situations and reactions to things that were out of my control.
It was during this time that I fully realized and began to work to heal the trauma I had experienced as a child and young adult. Becoming a mother pushed me into a zone of triggers and reliving of past injuries, and I found I needed to seek help.
My anxiety was at an all-time high, and there were serious and concerning situations unfolding in my marriage and with intimate relationships in our family. I did not know what to do, and I felt helpless and angry. So, I started going to therapy.
Here’s the hard part of starting the work of healing yourself. Some things you thought you needed will no longer be necessary. Some people will not support your healing. And you will start to discover and deal with dysfunctionality and abusive relationships.
But if you don’t, the situations, relationships, and dysfunction will eat away at you until you implode or do something drastic to try and balance the scales.
I forced myself to deal with the piles of sh*t in my life. I worked hard to see and heal the things I needed to within myself. And now, in my mid-forties, I have a clean road to walk down. Are you ready to take responsibility for your healing and happiness and heal?
Here are some great resources for starting the process:
Read What Happened to You, By Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry
Listen to Close the Chapter, hosted by Kristen Boice
Learn more about trauma and healing through The Trauma Foundation
Find a local therapist and start sessions!
Loving Yourself
I don’t feel warm and fuzzy love for myself every hour or even every day, but over the course of the past decade, and through the work I am doing now, I am starting to have more and more moments where I feel at peace, in sync, and caring toward myself.
Do you remember being in middle school? There’s a moment for every girl (and boy) when they realize that being proud of themselves or sharing their love for themselves with others results in judgment and alienation. If you recall, girls around that age start to minimize themselves and affirm negative thoughts, which turn into negative emotions about weight, body type, ethnicity, etc.
Negative affirmations about ourselves are part of the norm in our culture. So, by the time you’re in your twenties or thirties, it’s just part of the fabric of who you are.
But, over time, the negative self-talk becomes exhausting and debilitating. That’s why I spent a good portion of my late thirties working on re-discovering self-love and re-learning how to trust myself.
Because, at the end of the day, at the end of your life, or as you raise your children, are you going to look back and be proud of all the times you beat yourself up? Are you going to want your children to grow up thinking they’re not strong enough, smart enough, or worthy of the life they want to live?
So, if you’re stuck in a self-loathing cycle, now is the time to start pulling yourself toward the light of self-love.
Here are a few resources to help with that process:
Work on Loving Yourself with this Self-Love Workbook for Women.
Read Love Yourself First by Krystle Laughter.
Staying the Course
Whether you’re going in your career at one company, getting married, starting a family, launching your own business, moving across the country, or any number of other weighted life decisions that seem to be a “thirty-something” part of life, these big and impactful events are exhausting, time-consuming, and stressful.
Believe me, I had my share of course-changing events and decisions in my thirties. So far, I’m realizing in my forties that some of these epically big changes have slowed, and there’s now a steadiness and consistency to my life, my career, and my marriage.
The problem is that I’ve become so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop that sometimes it’s hard for me to settle in and stay the course.
Of course (no pun intended 😜), everyone’s path is different. Maybe you’re in your forties, and this is the decade where you make big changes. Maybe you’re launching a business now, with a plethora of experience, or getting a divorce because you and your partner’s lives have drifted in different directions. So, with that in mind, here are a few things to help you decide if something in your life (career, relationships, geographic location, etc.) needs you to stay the course or would benefit from a shift in your priorities, focus, and commitment.
Start a Gratitude Journal - If you notice you are consistently grateful for something over the course of a few months, it’s probably worth committing significant effort towards. If you notice you’re consistently disappointed by a significant part of your life, then, well, you get the point. Here’s a wonderful journal I use for this purpose: Gratitude: A Day and Night Reflection Journal
Pros & Cons List - Maybe you’ll need to do this multiple times. Maybe once is enough. But with any life situation, it’s great practice to occasionally write a list of pros and cons. Trust me. The answer will be very very clear. This Daily Self-Care and Productivity Journal is one of my favorites for all kinds of reasons, but you can add your lists here!
Create a Personal Business Plan - This may sound super geeky, but treating your life like a business can, at times, give you the most clarity! Download my Personal Business Plan Template here!
Committing to Health
Let me tell you; it’s right around forty as a woman when you start to realize that if you ignore your mental, physical, and dietary health, you’ll be in a world of hurt by the time you’re fifty.
Things slow down; dietary restrictions pop up, maybe you’re perimenopausal, and the list goes on. But one this is for sure: you can either throw your hands in the air and decide that it’s just “too hard,” too time-consuming, or too expensive to start taking better care of yourself and your health, or you can get serious about being and feeling the best you can possibly be now, so that as you age as woman, you’re setting yourself up for a happy and healthy second half of life.
Maybe this is a harsh perspective, and no, I am not one of the miracle women who continued to look fit and perfect after my two harrowing pregnancies. I’m not a fitness or diet guru. I splurge, I eat and drink things I shouldn’t, and I have a plethora of health challenges – just like you.
But I have started slowly working on stripping down my habits hang-ups, and discovering what it really takes to live a healthy (and still fun-filled) life that focuses on longevity.
If you’re reading this and you’re like, “Sure, I’m tired all the time, I feel sluggish, I can’t sleep, I can’t lose weight, but what do I do?” Here are a few places to start:
Get a Thyroid, Hormone, or Metabolic Panel test. Here are some great tests you can check out and do from home. Lumen - the metabolism hacking device you need!
See a nutritionist or naturopath. Here are some indicators that you are seeing the right person.
Read this blog from Real Simple for tips on picking a nutritionist.
Read this blog from Ancora on picking the right naturopathic doctor.
Accepting What Is
Oh, man, this is the hardest thing. As a person, a mother, and a business owner, there are many times I want to force the outcome. I feel that I know what’s best, and my impatience just wants to see it happen.
Time has taught me that often, the acceptance piece is what makes the right things happen, not the assumptions, ego, or belief that you’re right or wrong.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t have goals, needs, boundaries, or respect for your own dreams. It’s just to say that if you have done all that you can, and you are at a place where nothing else is possible or needed, then you need to accept what is and move forward or move on with your life.
Easier said than done, right? Totally. In my experience, this is one of the hardest parts of growing older and wiser – if there is such a thing as that. But, the peace I have found in really and truly accepting and letting go has been among some of the most powerful feelings I’ve yet to encounter in my life.
But don’t beat yourself up or try and force “acceptance.” Try a few of the tactics below:
Try little daily reminders with these Intelligent Change, Mindful Affirmation Cards
Use guided journaling to release what you’re holding onto with the, You Are Stronger Than You Think Journal
You may just wake up one morning and feel the warm and fuzzy feeling of being okay with what is, what was, and what might come down the road.
Forty-Two is the Answer to Everything
I’m just kidding, kind of. If you believe in popular culture myths and themes, then turning forty-two is one of the most powerful ages and numbers in numerology. Especially according to the main theme of one of my favorite movies of all time, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, in which the main character says, “Forty-two is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.” Check out the full meanings breakdown on Wikipedia.
And if that’s true, then this should be the most important and impactful year of your life!
Looking for more inspiring books and resources for your journey through your forties as a woman? Check out all of my books, journals, and creativity-boosting products on my Amazon Storefront here.
