Stop Telling Women to ‘Be Less Emotional’

My daughter usually has a skip in her eight-year-old step and a smile on her rosy little face. She feels things deeply and in a big way. She shows her emotions.

Some days she dives into the backseat of our Subaru after school, lets out a big sigh, and I can tell before she even takes off her mask (yes, that's school these days!) that something's not normal. It's in the way her shoulders sag, and the corners of her mouth turn down instead of up. Her shaky voice as she asks, "Mom? Am I too loud?" Or, "Mom? Am I weird?" Or, "Mom? Why do people call me a sensitive drama queen?"

When she first started coming home with these kinds of concerns, I was shocked. Is this really the way kids in kindergarten act? But then it continued into first, second, and third grade. I knew from my own youth that having an opinion as a girl, a loud voice, or a willingness to say what I thought and felt was a recipe for social punishment. But hadn't times changed? I guess not.

I started trolling the mom blogs and articles with conviction. I would help my child see through the BS that comes with growing up as a girl and then becoming a woman. But so many of the articles I found didn't get to the heart of the issue. 

How could I explain to her?

"The things that they say make you 'loud,' and 'dramatic,' 'sensitive,' now, will be the things that transform you into a confident and emotionally intelligent woman. Persist!"

The curious thing about beginning to talk with my daughter about these hard-to-digest topics was that I was shaken into realizing that I (an adult, accomplished, confident, sensitive woman) was still not even close to having thick skin around these matters.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been scolded for being too vocal about my positions, opinions, and feelings. Or the number of times I've been told, "you should really stop wearing your emotions on your sleeve." Yet, if you look at what it means to be a "sensitive woman" or "emotional mom," or "dramatic kid" -- the same things that encourage others to ostracize these women are the things that make them successful, caring, compassionate, and intelligent.

To change our perceptions of women, who they should be, and how they should express themselves, we first must understand why it's so damaging to tell people to be 'less emotional.' We women cannot advance the archaic, sexist institutional behaviors that lay like a layer of ice over our emotionally numb hearts without re-finding our emotions, our instincts, and our power through sensitive thoughts and actions!

Not Dramatic. PASSIONATE.

I hate to fall into the cliche of saying, "if a man were to, a, b, or c," but it can be very accurate. If a man shows conviction around a cause, a company, or a social situation, he's adorned with praise for being passionate and driven. If a woman does the same, or better yet, a little girl, she's called dramatic and bossy. 

It starts so young and is amplified by educators, family members, and friends. Girls are told to be polite, give uncle so-and-so a hug, do their hair in a certain way, etc. This article from Parents Magazine is super insightful on this topic. Taking care of oneself is different then complying with social norms. I teach both of my kids to Suit Up each day, not because they need to be perfect when we leave the house, but because it teaches them skills like hygiene and being respected by peers. It's not about being pretty or perfect. For example, my daughter has done her own hair for the last 2 years. I don't correct her on the style; I just ask her to make sure she's put it in whatever manner she wants each morning. She gets to pick and take ownership of her choices. 

In fact, I would like to take a moment right now to congratulate every woman out there who's an adult that is still "bossy," even after being called a bossy girl as a kid. The fact that you were able to slog through that sh*t year-after-year as a child, then teenager, then an adult to become the amazingly bossy and beautiful woman you are today is incredible. I raise a glass to you, queens of for being the BOSS!

Not Emotional. INTELLIGENT.

To be emotional, you must first feel emotion. Maybe it's because I've now been in therapy for almost as long as I've been a professional, but to me, when someone says, "you're emotional," or "you wear your emotions on your sleeve," I say, "THANK YOU."

Would you rather be so disconnected from your instincts, needs, wants, and desires that, sure, you can put on the best poker face in the room, act like everything is "just fine," and the world's not unjust, or effed up day after day, but what are you really accomplishing? That's not to say that you shouldn't pick your moments to let all of that beautiful passion and emotion you're holding out. 

But when it comes to what you believe, what you experience, and what you see as unjust and dishonorable in the world, for the love of all things human, speak the f*ck up!! Maybe just maybe, you're the one person everyone else has been waiting for to be brave enough to join your cause. Perhaps you REALLY can make a difference in the world. That's your emotion and your intellect talking. Don't ignore it.

Not Bossy. BRAVE.

This one really gets to me. In fact, I'm tearing up as I write this section. The battles I've fought, the isolation I've experienced and seen in the lives of friends and family, and the things I've viewed through the eyes of my daughter, are in many ways unfathomable. And yet, these experiences are totally predictable in our 'don't rock the boat' society.

My daughter has been told to "ask fewer questions," to "talk less," to "be less annoying," to "hold onto those emotions" because they are inconvenient.

Because of this, we started a game where we take an insult like, "you're a drama queen!" and turn it into a compliment. One she can really believe in so that way when it comes around the next time, my smart, sensitive, brave little girl can say with ownership and confidence, "Thank you! I am passionate about a, b or c," and diffuse the situation.

It's incredible how quickly this brings a smile to her face, and before long, we're belting out loud songs in the car again, bopping our heads, and owning our moment. Just two bossy-brave women, taking on the world.

It's not that I'm naive to the ways of the world or the fact that I have fought in many battles to be the woman I am today. A woman who does not cave to becoming the docile little wallflower I was encouraged to be. I know my child will have the same boulder of sexism to push up her own hill. 

The difference between my value system, and the person's who doesn't want to make waves, is that I believe in myself, and I believe in my daughter. I believe that every woman is capable of getting to the peak of their own mountain, holding up that boulder of shame, insecurity, lies, and hate, and screaming at the top of their lungs, "You cannot have me. You cannot take away my passion, my sensitivity, and my emotion. I will persist!"

Once again, to the women who have been called "too emotional," "too bossy," "too dramatic," or "too sensitive," own it. Take the insult and turn it into the compliment it really is. 

And thank society for putting the pressure on you to conform so that you could become brave enough to stand up for yourself and every other woman out there. Brave enough to set an example for the little girl looking to you for guidance so she can "just like you," and absolutely wondrous.