Modern Feminism isn’t a ‘One Size Fits All’ Model
Today is a momentous day in our country’s her-story. Today marks the day that the 19th Amendment was signed into law, giving women the right to vote in America. It wasn’t the day that all women gained the ‘actual right to vote.’ Black women, and women of any ethnicity other than ‘white,’ had to fight tooth and nail for many more generations to gain the right to safely vote. Read this article from NPR for more about this moment in history.
I sat down this week to write a blog honoring this moment, and what came from inside me instead was something a little different. So, here goes.
A close friend of mine, who also happens to be a mother, and also works part-time, and loves her husband, and is one of the best human beings I’ve ever met, told me recently that she’s not a feminist.
While I was surprised that she didn’t feel like a feminist, it also wasn’t the first time I had heard a woman in the last few years say this to me. It reminded me of something that’s been on my mind and made me pause to think about what caused her to feel that she cannot associate herself with feminism or any kind of feminist movement.
Here’s the thing. Shouldn’t all women who care about other women be able to consider themselves feminists? Whether you’re shouting for women’s rights from the rooftops, or raising confident and ambitious daughters who will take on this issue in the next generation, I cannot think of a single woman I know that does not support women, women’s rights, women’s needs, or the future generation of women in some way shape or form.
The feeling that a woman must fit into a certain ‘lifestyle mold’ to be considered a feminist irks me. Here’s the definition of feminism:
fem·i·nism | \ ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm \
1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests
Being a feminist should include support of other women.
It’s due time to update this understanding, don’t you think? I feel that the official definition of feminism is sorely lacking and should be expanded upon, but for the sake of this discussion, and the inevitable feedback I may get on this piece, let’s look at the current definition of the term feminism.
First, it’s interesting to me that there are two statements related to being a feminist. One leans on the belief that men and women should be treated equally, and the second focuses on activities related to women’s rights and interests. These two descriptions are basic, yet very different.
I like to think that I’m a bit of a chameleon. I am a feminist, and I have many friends to are active and vocal about their feminism. I was raised by a mother who is simultaneously vocal about supporting women of all walks, and also carries great pride in being feminine. She may not be what you would traditionally think of as a ‘feminist,’ yet she absolutely is a woman and believes in women’s rights. More of the women I know personally would identify with my mother, rather than women who are getting out and vocalizing their anger at masculine society on a daily basis. Yet, there is a common misconception that if you are not out on the picket line, or posting constantly on social media about your disenfranchised state of being, you, my dear, are NOT a feminist.
Must a woman be constantly vocal and argumentative to affect positive change? Actions speak too. Support speaks too. Personal relationships speak too. Don’t you think?
Yet, I have sat in many a conversation, or have been talked down to many a time, by women who think their form of feminism is the only TRUE WAY to be a feminist. This belief and verbalization of feelings are what I feel is causing so many women to disassociate themselves with feminism. And that is truly heartbreaking.
Within weeks of the conversation with my girlfriend about feminism, I was sitting around a campfire with another group of women and watched as a few of them made fun of, and put down women who won’t speak out, or who do not fit into the ‘loud and vocal’ feminist format. The tone and body language of the women in the group who were not speaking was interesting to observe. They became quiet. They folded into themselves. And soon the topic of conversation was changed. It reminded me of being in high school and having the ‘cool girls’ make fun of the weird kids. Is that what our feminist model has become?
So, I beg you; If you are reading this article, and you consider yourself a feminist, and if your form of feminism is founded on the principle that your lifestyle choices provide the only RIGHT way to support women, then you need to ask yourself,
"Am I really a feminist, or just a Mean Girl who's all grown up and is still bullying other women."
There is no right way to support women. There is no right way to be a mother. There is no right way to be a feminist. And suppose we, as women, really want to affect continual and lasting change for our daughters and their daughters. In that case, we may need to start supporting each other for real instead of one-upping and putting other women down to raise ourselves up.
As a feminist, a mother, and a working woman, who is almost forty (and oh-so wise 😉), here’s the roadmap I’ve created for my ‘womanism’ - yes, I’m coining this term. Your roadmap probably looks different, and I support that! What I hope to see change in this generation is the belief that a woman’s feminist belief system should include a lack of empathy, harassment, and bullying of other women into submission.
Openness over correctness
I’m as judgmental as any other woman out there. It’s a flaw I am constantly striving to overcome. My goal here is not to throw stones from my ‘glass house,’ but at some point in my twenties, I realized that if I wanted to be supported as a woman with ambition, I needed to support other women’s goals, beliefs, and dreams -- even if they were different then mine.
This doesn’t mean we should support blindly. I love a good debate. But it’s not a debate if one person won’t listen. And it’s not beneficial to the overall advancement of women if you are only willing to listen to someone who already agrees with you. After all, if we think and feel the same about everything, how will there be diversity of thought?
Career is not equal to feminism
If a man chooses to stay home with his kids and raise them while his wife works, he is considered a hero, a giver, a supporter of women’s rights, the list goes on. So why is that so many times I hear, see or feel judgment towards women who choose (or feel obligated) to be home and raise their children as their main vocation and contribution to the world and their family? Shouldn’t we be just as proud of them?
Whether the criticism is overt or covert, it’s an undeniable fact that women who stay home feel less than, and not worthy of respect and support. While men do not experience the same guilt-driven tendencies. The part that saddens me the most is how often I’ve witnessed criticism towards moms who work in the home, coming from other women. Why?
A woman shouldn’t need to explain why she’s “taking a break from her career” to raise her children. Just as a woman who works full time shouldn’t need to explain why she is not “staying home with her children.”
Striving for equality should not lead to hate
I get it. I have been in many situations where I have either been sexually harassed or exploited for being a woman. I’ve learned a lot from these experiences and will fight to the death to help create a society where my daughter, nieces, friends, and coworkers do not have to face the same.
The institutional sexism that still exists in our country and the overt sexism that is set in place around the world is disgusting and unacceptable. Yet, I also know many men who are not sexist and believe in equal opportunity for all women. My husband is one of them. Many educators and leaders I have had the pleasure of being connected to in my life are also these men. Men who do not intend to, or wish to control women or disseminate sexism. While we are still far from breaking through the glass ceiling of sexism, our culture has also come a very long way, and many of the men who were children of the second and third round of feminists, are now adults trying to navigate a world where men are often categorized as the ‘enemy.’
My son is still growing, and my daughter is still young, but I pray that neither of them enters a world as an adult where they are discriminated against or boxed into a belief system that is based on an old model. The world cannot exist without men and women -- regardless of your political beliefs, sexual orientation, or experience, we all need each other.
Feminism and the progress of women’s rights cannot exist in a vacuum or follow a rigid model. I refuse to blindly follow a form of feminism that assumes every man is a ‘rapist’ or ‘predator’ or wishes to control the rights of women. That is not accurate, and it only serves to continue a toxic cycle.
So where does that leave us? It’s been 100 years since women gained the right to vote. Wow. That is such a long and such a short time all in the same breath. Maybe at this time, and with this generation we can take the model of feminism to the next level, and find strength and progress in supporting each other. This is my hope, my wish, and how I plan to show my support of women’s rights.
Here are a few credible articles on this topic from both Forbes, and Pacific University Oregon:
xoxo
EM 💜
I’m actively looking for women who want to tell their story on the Entreprenista Mama blog. If you’re interested, hit me up!
