Managing Anxiety as a Mom

True confession: I have suffered from severe anxiety attacks since I was a little girl. It's actually a relief to say it out loud (or in writing) to someone other than my therapist. 😜

Maybe I should start by disclosing that what I'm about to write about is not medical advice, for I am not a doctor or psychologist, or any other mental health professional. Although I have seen my share of these incredible individuals in my life, I cannot tell you what's right for you or know how your journey has affected your beliefs or feelings. 

This is a story about a girl who couldn't sleep at night from the age of six or seven on; A girl who, as an example, was terrified that a pole-shift would occur and her entire family would be killed (thanks to a friend of my parents' crazy theory). **If you don't know what a pole-shift is, you can freak yourself out with information here--or don't, it's not worth the anxiety attack 👎.** 

It's the story of a young woman who would pick at her cuticles, bite her nails, and sometimes (yes), her scalp 😱(gulp), in an effort to control what felt uncontrollable. But ultimately, it's the story of a mother who finally figured out that embracing her weird, imperfect, anxiety-fueled self was the answer, not the problem. This acceptance also came along with a loooootttt of therapy 👊. Shout out to all of you mental health gurus out there! 🙌💗

It’s okay to have anxiety. You’re still a great mom.

 It always starts the same way. I'm sitting in a meeting, with a group of people, or driving in the car and the trigger-thought enters my mind. It could be as simple as a sudden fear that a bill hasn't been paid, but that sneaky little thought always triggers another and another. Before long, the world is ending, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, my heart is trying to beat out of my chest, and the blackness starts to creep into the corners of my eyes. Hello, anxiety attack. 😵🔥

The first time I passed out because of an attack was in high school. At the time, I NEEDED to control something -- something that was only mine. My parents had recently been divorced, my mom was receiving welfare and back in school, attempting to get the certification she needed for her in-home preschool. I was working weekends, and sometimes after school at a local diner. Some weeks I bought the groceries so we'd have enough for rent. It was survival time. 

My sisters and I were the ultimate survivalists. We coped in different ways, but each of us suddenly was forced to grow up. I became anorexic during this time. It was something I could control -- my body. 

The day I passed out for the first time, I was in line at the bank, waiting to cash my paycheck. We needed that money, and I had 15 minutes to do it before heading in for my shift at the diner. I had only eaten an apple that day.

The evil little flicker of thought could have been about the boyfriend I had just broken up with. This was the stage of dating older guys who inevitably would want too much from me. For some reason, my self-preservation always kicked in, and I'd break up with them before they could steal my youth -- myself. I felt the shakes in my hands first. "If I can just get to the end of the line, and out the door, it will pass," I told myself—one person to go. I don't really remember the teller cashing my check, or putting the money back into my wallet. I remember the blackness creeping into my vision and the heart palpitations. The next thing I knew, a woman was calling for help, and I was flat on the ground in the bank parking lot. "Are you okay? Are you okay?" She kept saying. "No, I'm not effing okay, I wanted to yell back," but it felt like there was cotton in my mouth. 

That was the first time. But it took me until I almost passed out in a client meeting twenty years later for me to finally realize that I needed help. By that time, I had puzzled together a way to avoid the pass-outs…but at what cost? I was a mother now. I needed to be healthy for my little five-month-old son and three-year-old daughter. I couldn't somehow seek help for myself, but for them, I would do anything. I booked my first appointment with a therapist. I slowly began to find healthy ways to manage the beast of anxiety.

The following is a list of things I've started to do over the last five years. If you suffer from anxiety and have not sought help yet, I sincerely hope you will begin with that step. But either way, I hope my experience and the following ideas help bring a glimmer of hope to your life or someone else's that may need to read this.

Stop What You're Doing

The very first thing I had to learn in managing my anxiety was to STOP whatever it is I'm doing if an attack is coming on. That means, even if you are at work and need to just walk out for 15 minutes, you do it. Make an excuse later, or don't, but don't try to work through an attack in a public setting. Just don't.

Here are a few excuses I use if I need to get out of a room:

• "I'm sorry, I have an important call I need to take."

• "I need a quick bathroom break, be back in a few minutes."

I try not to lie, but also make an excuse that doesn't cause questions. 

Take a Deep Breath (or 10)

I spent so many years rolling my eyes at people who would tell me to take deep breaths. Go figure, I was resisting one of the main things that could help me overcome these moments of uncontrollable emotion. But eventually, the suggestion started to make sense, plus it's backed up by data. An article by Harvard Health Publishing states, "Deep abdominal breathing encourages full oxygen exchange — that is, the beneficial trade of incoming oxygen for outgoing carbon dioxide. Not surprisingly, it can slow the heartbeat and lower or stabilize blood pressure." Can't argue with that. 

These days, if I start to feel the anxiety monster growing inside me, I stop, walk away (even if that means giving my kids a candy bar, so they leave me alone 😳), and spend five minutes or so taking deep abdominal breaths. It's crazy how quick I start to ease out of the spiral and into calmness when I do this.

Put the Trigger Issue in a Metaphorical Lock Box

The first two management techniques I described are what I use in a fight or flight situation. But there are moments when the anxiety gets so bad that it leaves me in a fog for a full day, or at worst multiple days. In these instances, I need to take more aggressive measures to work through it. Visualization and meditation have helped me immensely in these moments. I also learned to do this one thing every time to get me beyond the funk. A professional gave me the advice once that, "if the issue seems too great, or unsolvable that you can't move on, take it and put it in a metaphorical box on a metaphorical island somewhere out in the ocean and just set it aside for a time." It may sound silly or impossible to place the trigger of your anxiety attack in an imaginary box, but it works for me every time. I must sit somewhere alone to have this approach succeed. I must close my eyes and envision myself actually putting the thing causing my anxiety into a box, locking it and walking away. Ultimately, when I come back to the issue a few days later, it seems far less ominous.

Find a Mantra (or Five)

What is a mantra? It's not some foo-foo-y thing you say. I believe with my whole heart that words have immense power. The words we say to ourselves, about ourselves and about others, shape our reality and relationships. *Full disclosure* I am no saint when it comes to this topic. I have struggled with my own self-perception for years. I am the ultimate perfectionist, and as such, I am the ultimate judge. The older I get, the more I realize how powerful I am and how powerful my words can be for myself, my children, and my hopes and dreams.

I have three mantras at any given time these days—one for my professional life, one for my personal life, and one to manage my anxiety. 

In moments of distress, or when I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I repeat this mantra. It's not one I invented, it's actually based on the teachings in Alcoholics Anonymous. But it works for me.

"God (or a higher power), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr

Ride the Wave

Anxiety isn't just random, it's usually based on some version of your reality, whether that be only in your mind or playing out in life. It's tempting to try and push it down and proceed as if the pain you're feeling doesn't exist. But for a person who suffers from chronic panic attacks and anxiety, there is no way to push it down or away.

If you're experiencing an attack, and you can get to a safe place, you can just ride it out. When this is an option I am able to choose, I plug in my headphones, put on my favorite playlist go for a long walk outdoors. The air, sounds, and music always get my feet back on the ground, and my heart in the right place. 💖

Know You're Not Alone

You're not alone, and you also don't need to make excuses or apologies for the anxiety you experience. I had a good friend, who also deals with anxiety, tell me once, "there's no way to explain to a person who's never experienced anxiety attacks what it feels like. The likelihood is that they'll tell you to just brush it off, or be more positive. They don't realize how unpredictable and out of your control anxiety can be."

You must find your tribe of people who get it. Whether it's counselors, or friends, or family members -- or all of the above. Knowing who you can call, text, or show up with when you're in the midst of it will make life so much easier, and help you grow with the challenges that arise.

Accept Your Process

Ultimately, my personal feeling is that to learn to manage anxiety as a woman or a mother or both, you need to accept where you are at today and love yourself for just being aware and present in your process. 

I recently read a quote from the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle, which really resonated with me regarding this topic. She says, "Being human isn't hard because you're doing it wrong, it's hard because you're doing it right. You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." 

Whatever you perceive or experience because of the anxiety you feel, it's not wrong, it just needs to be guided into the best place so that you can use that energy for your own health, happiness and well being. 

If you're looking for additional support and resources, visit this hub for Anxiety and Depression on the ADAA website.

Xoxo

EM 💜

Have you experienced an unexpected journey with your anxiety? Let me know! Let's talk and share stories!