What No One Tells You About Being the Strong One
If you have ever been called the ‘strong one,’ you know that this title doesn’t just get slapped on, and it likely didn’t become your core personality trait overnight, or after some shocking life event. For me, it came early. I began to identify with being ‘the reliable one,’ the ‘easy kid,’ the ‘old soul,’ and the ‘little mommy,’ which really was short for being put in the position of being a tiny adult, with all the anxiety and sense of responsibility that comes along with the role.
But it didn’t stop there. Soon, I realized that if I was uber-responsible, resilient, and willing to do the not-so-fun things, I was also praised. And being the ‘strong one’ became a part of my identity.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties, with two young kids, running a business, volunteering, and trying to be the perfect boss, wife, daughter, and Pinterest mom, that I started to ask myself, “Why am I always the strong one? Why am I the one always expected to show up? Why don’t I feel like most of my responsibilities, relationships, and recognitions are based on who I actually am, versus what I can do for people?”
Here’s the truth about being the strong one that no one tells you, and how you can change your perspective on what it means to have strength, and also take care of yourself.
You Didn’t Become the Strong One Overnight
Perhaps you were awarded this title because you did something epically brave or impressive and therefore became a part of the ‘strong one’ club overnight, but it’s more likely that it didn’t happen overnight.
I know you. You were the one, at a far-too-young age, picking up the emotional slack, learning (quickly) to read the room because your home was unpredictable, and keeping the peace (or trying to) became a necessary survival tool. Am I right?
While other kids were worrying about what sports they had signed up for and who was going to come to their sleepover, you felt responsible for holding the pieces together in your home. At least, that’s where it started for me. And as I got older, I wanted more and more to stay in control of situations, places, and people. Why? Because it felt safer to know I was the one responsible for it all than to rely on the people around me. And that’s where the attention started rolling in.
This skillset followed me right into adulthood, where I became a master at handling it all. I was the one who could be relied upon in my jobs, friendships, and other relationships to do all the things. Does this sound familiar to you?
Being the Strong One Works…Until It Doesn’t
Even now, knowing all that I do, I wouldn’t give up my experience or time as the reliable, capable, and strong one in the lives of my friends and family. It’s part of what’s made me who I am. And, it’s in large part why I’m a successful entrepreneur, a good boss, a good friend, and a present mom and wife. It works, and it did work for me, until it didn’t.
Because what no one will tell you about taking on all of the responsibilities in not just your own life, but the lives of others, is that you’ll be over-functioning all the time, hyper-aware in every situation, and afraid to slow down; because you’re always looking for the next problem to solve, and therefore you will become incredibly terrible at taking any kind of a break to rest, or reset without guilt. Which is a nice way of saying you’ll constantly be stuck in fight-or-flight mode, which leads to one of three outcomes: you’re either going to Burnout, Freak Out, or Check Out.
This article from Psychology Today explains how, if you’re overwhelmed and exhausted, you can stop giving too much. It’s the first of a three-part series on taking yourself out of the position of being the “one everyone can count on,” and there are tons of data-backed reasons and tips for getting away from putting yourself in this role over and over again.
Because at the end of the day, it might feel good to be the one who can “handle it” when life throws a bunch of curve balls at you, but you have to ask yourself, Who’s protecting me? Who’s looking out for me?
The Unspoken Rule That You’ll Always Figure It Out
I was about seven years old when I remember feeling like I needed to be the one to figure it out. I was the oldest (of my mom’s kids, at least); my youngest sister had just been born, and my middle sister was in free fall as she adjusted to no longer being the “baby” of the family. I found that if I was helpful with the baby, everyone seemed calmer and more able to handle the newness of adding another family member. My nickname became “little mommy,” and it just stuck.
People around me started to realize that if they came to me, leaned on me, I would be there. I was a good fixer, capable of handling situations without fuss or mess, and always willing to lend a hand. Does this sound familiar?
As an adult, I became so competent at being the smoother, fixer, and, generally, the one who operated as the glue in my personal relationships that by the age of 25, I probably could have run a small country with just caffeine, willpower, and a strong cocktail. But inside, I was constantly in fear. The fear was quiet at times, and louder when it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. But I just thought, This is what gives me value. And this is why people like me.
Fast forward to being a mom, it became clear that my job was just getting harder and more complex as the strong one, because now, I wasn’t just juggling the emotional needs of multiple friends, family members, and employees, I was also very much in charge of the well-being of my own children. And that’s when things started to unravel.
The Loneliness of Being the Capable One
Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s lonely at the top?” It’s a business reference to being a CEO or a team manager, but it’s not just applicable to the business world. When I was 18, I moved in with my 16-year-old sister. She needed somewhere to live, and I was moving to start community college. In my imagination at the time, we’d just be two roommates having fun and figuring out life. But in reality, she was still a kid, and so was I. But I was the oldest, so figuring out what we were going to do if we couldn’t make rent or didn’t have enough money for groceries felt like it was my responsibility. And it was a big responsibility.
When you’re the capable one, lots of praise comes at you from all directions, but the flip side of that positive attention is that you don’t get checked on in the same way other people do. And, even worse, you become only as good as your last mistake. And let’s be honest, like any responsibility in life, there are times when you get things right, and it all goes super smoothly, and times when you get it wrong. When you’re thrust into the role of “decision maker”, whether other people mean to do it or not, they then blame you for anything that’s perceived as a misstep. And what’s more damaging than outside blame is that you also blame yourself.
While you’re wrestling with trying to keep your life, and maybe a few other lives afloat, people around you are moving on, or moving forward, and because you’re one one who always has it together, they just say things like, “She’s fine,” or, “She always figures it out,” while you’re just praying you don’t drown in the loneliness and weight of your position as the fixer.
When Survival Mode Gets Mistaken for Strength
We live in a hustle and bustle culture, so you may have been told your whole life, “How strong you are.” I can’t tell you how often I’ve had people say to me, “Well, that’s crazy, but if anyone can deal with it, you can.” It’s meant to be a compliment, and for many years I took it as such, until I was diagnosed with stage four cancer (you can read that story here). And suddenly, none of those rules applied.
But here’s the thing: the signs that I was not being strong, but in fact was operating in survival mode, were there long before my cancer diagnosis.
I was tired all the time, but for some reason, I could never slow down
I was functioning at a high level and getting a lot done, but I felt like a failure
I felt like everything was dependent on me, how I showed up, and what I did to provide value
And most of all, in the moments where I was actually being honest with myself, I didn’t know why I was doing it all
Even when I could feel my body and brain were overwhelmed and overworked, I’d keep pushing, because that’s what I had always done. Until I just couldn’t any longer.
Why It’s So Hard to Stop
The hardest part of learning that your role as the fixer needs to adjust is not the realization or moment you decide you no longer want to be in that role. It’s hard to stop because being the strong one isn’t just about behavior; it’s about your entire identity. The question becomes, if you’re not the one who “always helps and always figures it out,” then who are you?
It’s taken me years of forward momentum and backward movement with this element of my identity to finally feel like I can semi-let-go of being in this role. And part of the reason is that there’s a lot of fear involved with letting go of being overly competent and hyper-involved.
You might ask yourself, If I’m not the one who figures it out for everyone, what will happen?
Will things fall apart?
Will people I love be disappointed in me?
Will I still be successful in my work and home life?
Will anyone still care about me?
The hard truth is, if you’ve been the capable and reliable one your whole life, and decide to change that element of who you are, your relationships will shift. You likely will lose some people in your life, and you will definitely start to see your relationships differently.
But the magic of this choice lies in the fact that you were never meant to carry it all for everyone. And, anyone expecting that from you probably doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
So, at the end of the day, you might lose some things and some people, but you will gain a level of depth and understanding of yourself that never would have been possible without deciding to stop being the solution to everyone’s problems.
Redefining Being Strong (And, Finding Yourself)
This is the hard part. This is the part where you will feel like everything is wrong, until you rewire your brain to recognize that taking care of yourself, finding yourself, and supporting your needs is, in fact, strength. Saying “yes” all the time has to stop. Being there for everyone but yourself is not sustainable. And here’s how you go from being the overly-dependable one in everyone’s life to being there and strong for yourself.
What Will You Lose?
I know your default is to overcommit. Before saying “yes” to anything, agreeing to be the problem-solver, or even picking up the phone to listen to the problem, you need to ask yourself, What will I lose by taking this action, or committing to this?
Will you lose peace?
Will you lose time?
Will you lose sanity?
Will you lose something or someone else?
If this answer is “yes” to any of the questions above, and the trade-off isn’t worth it, then don’t engage or commit.
Find Your Support
Here’s a wild idea: what if, instead of helping everyone else all the time and being the brave, strong one for everyone but you, you start to build a support network for yourself?
What this looks like is finding people who do not want or need anything from you in return for the time, love, mentorship, and emotional support you need.
What this doesn’t look like: Trying to gain support and get your needs met from people and things who have been in a role of “takers” in your life in the past.
The “Figure It Out” Rule
Instead of immediately going down a mental rabbit hole of what will happen if you don’t fix something, or don’t engage with someone or something in the way you always have, ask yourself, Can they figure it out without me? Or, Can it be figured out without me?
I guarantee you that 90% of the time, they can, it can, and they will if you just let it lie and let someone else step in.
Fair warning: At first, you will feel left out and of less worth when you let other people figure out their problems. But, over time, you will discover that it’s a gift to allow the people in your life the space and agency to do what they need to do for themselves.
Put It Down, Even Just a Little
I feel like I need to make sure to say that I truly believe you do not need to quit being capable or showing up for people in your life by choosing to step down from the role of always being the strong one. While you may have found that this title, and part of your identity, has become too heavy in your life, it doesn’t have to be surgically removed from who you are completely.
It just might be time to stop carrying the load of everything and everyone else’s problems and needs as your own. Putting down the responsibility of being the fixer, even if it’s just with certain people and in particular situations, could be enough to give you the breathing room you need to take care of yourself.
And it’s okay! Your kids will be okay if you don’t kill yourself to be the mom who shows up to every single thing, offers all the rides, and volunteers for everything. Your friends will be okay if you’re not the one to host every party and plan every get-together. Your parents and siblings will be okay if you stop trying to step in and fix every family issue and drama, or even show up to every holiday. You get the point.
Just put it down, and let someone else pick up the responsibility bag for once.
You didn’t make a conscious choice to be the strong one in every situation and relationship; you adapted because you had to be. And it probably served you well to be the most reliable and responsible person around during the period in your life when that helped you survive. But you get to decide what strength looks like now. You might have been thrust into this role, but it’s your responsibility to get yourself out of it and find out who you can be now.
Sending you all of my love and encouragement as you embark on a new phase of finding, well, YOU! I’m cheering you on.
