Five Ways to Practice Self Love More
When I hear the term self-love, a little shiver goes down my spine, and not a good one.
It’s a mix of learned contempt, “why, oh why would I need to love myself?” This is the part I learned sometime in middle school, trying to fit in, seeing the other girls complain about being fat, not pretty enough, not enough.
That feeling of contempt is quickly followed by guilt. It’s the, “I’m an enlightened 40+ woman, and know how important it is to love myself, so why do I immediately cringe at the thought?”
And then a little voice pops up, trying to push through the villain and the angel of my psyche to voice her opinion. It’s my true self. The one I’ve fought hard to find and have lost people over. This is usually the point where I breathe a sigh of relief as a clear energy filters into my brain and reminds me that I have done the work and I now have the tools and knowledge to live in a place of love for myself.
Because if you don’t love yourself first, how can you love anyone else?
If you’re like tens of thousands of other women out there, this little battle of self-contempt, learned guilt, and the fight for self-love is an ongoing saga playing out behind the facade of confidence that many of us women wear. The “I’m going to go until I drop” or “I can sleep when I’m dead" mentality is plaguing the modern workplace.
Finding ways to love your true self may seem trivial, too time-consuming, or too overwhelming, but studies have shown that over 85% of people suffer from low self-esteem or lack of self-love, all of which lead to depression, higher suicide rates, school dropouts, and more. (source: Psychology Today)
Besides the disturbing stats, isn’t it just time to start feeling better, happier, and more fulfilled?
Well, yes, I think it is! Here are my six revelations and practices that have made my journey to discovering and keeping myself in a state of self-love. I hope these inspire you. 🤍
What if There’s No Destination?
Ten years ago, when I was a new mom, schlepping around baby bags, finding vomit in unexpected places, and feeling torn between my career, and my motherhood, I realized I needed a change. The expectations (mostly from myself) and the lack of guidance were just too much. At the time, I thought I’d go on some quest for self-discovery, self-love, and self-understanding, and at the end of it all, I’d emerge a shiny new version of myself. A version you’d see in a Madewell ad – put together, but in an unassuming way. A perfectly calm, laid-back mom who still works and still gives pristine parenting advice.
Guess what? That mom/woman/human doesn't exist!
Five years of therapy later, two life explosions, and multiple steps forward and backward, I finally realized something profound.
There will be no peak that I reach and stay perched upon.
There will be no time when I have it all figured out. In fact, the older I get, and the more I implement self-love practices in my life, the less I feel I know and the more humble I become.
So wherever you are in your journey, repeat like a mantra: “self-love isn’t about a destination; it’s about starting somewhere and continuing down a path of self-discovery – no destination needed!”
What’s Natural and What’s Unnecessary?
It’s so easy to be like, “oh, this is what everyone else is doing, or what I should be doing, so that’s what I NEED to be doing..”
I challenge that perception on every front.
Keeping up with Karen is only going to burn you out. Seriously, take that in. Seriously.
Maybe try instead to think of self-love like a buffet with friends (do those exist anymore?).
Just because Karen is loading up with shrimp (which, by the way, you are allergic to) and apple cobbler (which you hate) doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing!
When it comes to self-love and your life, think to yourself, Every. Single. Day.
“Is this Natural?” i.e., does the thing I’m doing FEEL natural, in my being, for who I am, with what I really want? Or is it a shiny object someone else desires?
If the answer is “yes!” then by all means, proceed. But if you’re instead sitting there going, “this isn’t me, or I don’t want this,” then maybe ask yourself…
Is this thing I’m trying to do Unnecessary?
Because if it falls into the category of things you’re doing because Karen is doing them, that’s a Major. Red. Flag.
What if instead of choosing your next action, obligation, or desire based on what society tells you you should do instead, you dig deep into your core and ask, “is this natural to me? Is this what I really want?”
What if You Forgive Yourself More?
How are you supposed to show yourself any kind of love, grace, or fulfillment if you don’t find ways to forgive yourself for, well, anything and everything? Forgive yourself for the things you wish you would have done differently, the mistakes you make, and the ways in which you are hard on yourself or too easy on yourself. Start forgiving yourself, and suddenly you’ll find that the leap to loving yourself is just that much more achievable.
I know you’re thinking right now, “that’s way easier said than done.” Most of us, overachievers and perfectionists, have the hardest time accepting our own worth and value. And the judgment of yourself is part of the cycle. Some might say, “it’s what makes me good at what I do because I am never good enough in my own eyes.”
Newsflash: You can still be the person you want and need to be without judging and ridiculing yourself for not being good enough. In fact, judging yourself and refusing to forgive yourself for your shortcomings is actually holding you back! (read this article from Inc. for more)
If the idea of forgiving yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings is just too large a pill to swallow, try this.
Pick one thing a day to write down that you love about yourself or that you are proud of accomplishing. It can be as simple as, “I paid my bills today, and I’m proud of myself for that.”
Do this for a few weeks, and then look back at your list of accomplishments. It might be mind-blowing! And maybe just a little easier to forgive the things you haven’t yet accomplished or achieved.
Is it Time to Move on?
I remember a time when I realized I needed to give up a business. It was one of the hardest professional decisions I ever had to make. For months, I would go back and forth on the pros and cons of dissolving the company I had taken five years to create, build and see blossom into something bigger than I could have imagined.
On paper and in theory, it was everything any entrepreneur would want. I had a team, client demand, and an office, yet I was drowning. My children needed me at home, and my team needed me at the office. I tried and failed to find a partnership that would allow me to continue and keep up with my family's needs, and it just wasn’t working. But I just didn’t want to let go!
Finally, it came to me. I can always start this again. If it’s meant to come back to me, it will. But right now, I just can’t have it all.
So I told my team and my clients and closed things down. What’s amazing is that as soon as I decided to move on, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. And not once have I looked back at that decision with regret.
What if it’s just time to move on? Can you love yourself enough to let it go?
Letting go of what has been causing you pain or uncertainty is the highest form of love and may be the best thing that happens to you!
Can You Take a Little Step Forward?
Someone once told me, “if you just focus on the next task, not the big picture, it can take all the pressure away.”
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t keep the big picture in mind, but what if instead of trying to take giant overwhelming leaps toward self-love and self-acceptance, you just start with small ways you can treat yourself better?
Here are a few small effort ideas for self-love inspiration:
Take yourself to coffee with a book (just you and your book)
Go for a walk and listen to an inspiring podcast
Go to bed an hour earlier
Write five things you love about yourself on separate sticky notes, and post them around your bathroom or bedroom
If you’re looking for other ways to show yourself love and acceptance, this article is for you: The Difference Between Self Love and Self Acceptance (Why We Need Both) from The Mindful Movement.
If you liked this article, let me know in the comments! Share the love on Instagram or Facebook, or share some of the ways you show yourself love and acceptance.
xo 🤍
