Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail and What to Do About it
What if I told you that I used to make New Year's resolutions every year and promptly fail at them? Would you be shocked or nod your head in understanding?
How often have you made a few new year's resolutions (or 10) that weren't based on your real goals, needs, or lifestyle?
The best gifts of the new year come in everyday packages.
Goals are good. Ambition is awesome. Pushing yourself is necessary sometimes. But punishing yourself is not, and saying things like,
"I will meet the love of my life this year."
"I will lose 50 pounds."
"I will stop yelling at my kids."
"I will make my parents proud."
"I will stop being jealous."
"I will make $100k."
All of these are empty without more support. To be honest, most new year's resolutions are not based on tangible measures, actionable steps, or a realistic view of your barriers, obstacles, and habits. That's why this year, I decided to not do the thing I always do (make empty promises 😁) and instead focus on being transparent, accurate, and trusting in my goal setting.
Because I'm innately curious, I decided to ask a diverse group of women in my life what they do each year to achieve their goals, set aspirations, and stay motivated.
Their responses and my own process for this year are broken down in this post. TBD on whether my new approach will be more effective than the last, but one thing I know for sure is that if you never try anything new, you'll stay stuck living in the same uncertainty year after year.
New year's resolutions can create an internal love-hate tug of war. Let's stop that vicious cycle in 2021 and support ourselves by making loving, transparent, and trusting intentions, goals, and resolutions.
Begin with the review
I started this year's planning process by praying and assessing what worked and did not work for me, my family, and my career last year.
PSA: Obviously, 2020 was a super challenging year for every human being on the planet, so cut yourself a LOT of slack if you decide to do this exercise. Progress is progress, no matter how gradual or revised.
But, PSA aside, it really felt good to look back at what happened in the last 12 months before moving into what should or could manifest in the next.
Similarly, my good friend, Jessi Woinarowicz, mom of two, Executive Assistant, and founder of the podcast Glaze and Grit, shares the same process. When we chatted, she said the following helps her each year!
"At the start of a new year, I do some self-reflection on the previous year and areas I want to start, stop, or continue into the year to come. Mostly I tend to focus on bringing myself into the present, not living so immersed in work, and taking risks. My planning is usually done over a glass of wine (or tea), with my journal, music, and fireplace going." - Jessi Woinarowicz
Here's a quick example of a few things that might help you if you're the type who loves 'recapping' before dreaming. A few of mine are below:
Fulfillments or Accomplishments - I became incredibly close to my son and daughter this year. Our level of trust, connection, and love has never been more potent. These types of achievements deserve a moment of reverence. Give yourself credit for what you did!
Losses - I could not grow my business to the degree I was hoping because, well, for some reason, having kids home during a pandemic doesn't lead to business growth.🙄 Weird. 😜 But, knowing where you didn't grow or change can be super insightful as you plan forward!
Desired Changes - My goals and desires for my career completely changed in 2020. Therefore my day-to-day moving forward will inevitably change. More to come on that. This is not the time to set intentions, just a place to put 'need not to do anymore's.'
Must provide & have time to do
I remember talking to a work friend years ago. She was super miserable at the job in the company we both worked for and wanted out. She was trying to brainstorm ideas for finding her next gig but was struggling because she was also a single mom who had to care for and provide for her daughter. I will never forget the conversation. It was the first actual time I realized an important life lesson: You may want many things, but depending on your life situation, you may need to go about gaining those things entirely differently than those around you. For example, a few weeks after that conversation, I quit the horrible company we worked for and went jobless for a few months while I looked for a new position. My girlfriend could never have done that. She had a child to care for, but that doesn't mean she was sentenced to being unhappy forever. Changing your environment begins with defining what you NEED to produce for your life, family, and career to stay afloat. You can then dig into your wishes, dreams, and desires.
When I talked with my friend Natalie, a mom of two and full-time PR & Marketing Manager at G5 Marketing in Bend, Oregon, she cut right to the point.
"I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions," She said. "If something isn't working or I need to make a change, I prefer to do it in real-time and not wait for the New Year to make a list of things that need to be resolved. But here are the things I do throughout the year.
1. I plan for the New Year by mentally checking in with myself and remembering my priorities, which are usually always the same each year: family, work, health, exercise, and sleep.
2. I rarely write them down. I'm not into keeping a journal.
3. I can usually tell by my mood if things are working or not. If not, I try to figure out the source of my frustration and fix it.
That's it! It keeps me moving and flexible." - Natalie Dent
"Need to do's" and "have time to do's" can look like Natalie's above, or the ones below, and keeping it simple can quickly help you create your own mental checklist -- especially if you're just not a resolutions kind of gal. ❤️
Want to grow or need to develop
Each person's goals and intentions vary. That's the beauty of being human and being a woman! The fact is, our internal self and unique needs and desires are what make the process of setting transparent and honest resolutions or goals especially valuable.
If you're not a 'resolution' kind of person, maybe your wants are as simple as setting a few daily affirmations. But if you're a planner, you know that thinking things out for the short term and the long term makes your life feel more manageable and whole.
Whatever your approach, thinking through the steps involved with accomplishing the things in yourself, your career, relationships, or family that you TRULY want can help you manifest them!
But let's be frank -- if your 'wants' are based on:
Things you think 'sound cool.'
Things you've failed at accomplishing in the past.
Things driven by fear, anger, or shame, my experience tells me that basing any goal on these three will only lead to self-doubt and frustration.
Maybe instead, if you want to, for example, gain your master's degree, or change careers, you can break down the steps to the finish line into bite-size actions. Perhaps you won't achieve the full shebang this year, but at the end of the year, you'll be a whole lot closer! 🙌
Onalee Edwards, a former colleague of mine, mom of three, and a business Analyst at a community bank, varies her approach each year.
"In terms of resolutions, it doesn't always feel like I have a consistent approach. In the past, I've created goal spreadsheets (for real...type A personality 😉) and checked in on monthly progress through the year. Or I've written resolutions on sticky notes and put them on my wall next to my bed, nightstand, or desk, or I've also used habit tracking apps. This year I didn't really do anything specific for 2021 resolutions.
Honestly, I still feel like I'm in survival mode. I created some goals for myself around May of last year to help myself manage the stress of being a working mom in a global pandemic, and I've decided to just keep focusing on those.
They are all self-care focused, which is what I need right now. In the past, my goals or resolutions have ranged from health intentions to creative desires and everything in between:
Take my vitamins.
Go on daily walks outside.
Do yoga every evening.
Journal.
Keep up with my Luminosity brain games.
Instead of focusing on the spreadsheet approach this year, I'm very simply taking it day by day." - Onalee Edwards
Aspire to create or achieve
You know the years. I do too. It's the ones that come up on you with a vengeance. You stride into those years with a fire under your ass and a flame in your heart to create and achieve.
Full disclaimer: Not every year is going to be this way. Take it from a recovering control freak, overachiever, and helicopter mother. Give yourself the grace you need. If you feel the fire to make this a year of change, achievement, or progress, then, by all means, do it. I salute and support you!
Here are a few things to say about making any year a 'banner year.' Some of these insights, you'll see, are compliments of women I respect, and some are based on my own experience. Take what you feel, and leave the rest.
One: If you want it, you have to plan for it.
I used to think I could just fly by the seat of my pants. I did that for many years. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it left me wondering why the door just slammed in my face. You don't have to be type-A or turn your office into a scene from A Beautiful Mind (did I just age myself??😜), but if you don't write down a plan, or a collection of steps for big goals, I'm telling you now, you will not succeed. Prove me wrong. I'd love to hear about it.
Two: Take the first indicated step.
Especially with larger goals, looking at the whole road to achievement can be completely overwhelming. But small steps are easy to take, amiright?🙋
My friend and fellow marketer Casey Cowen Smith, a mama with a toddler and social media strategist, says,
"I don't write down resolutions, but sometimes I do sketch out an action plan for how to get there just to see the small steps I need to take and not get overwhelmed but the big end task. Actionable steps make everything possible. I also frequently ask: "what are my immediate next steps?" when I am working with others to complete the said goal." - Casey Cowan Smith
Three: Seek out a cohort or mentor to keep you in check
A friend, group of friends, family member or mentor, can make the difference between keeping yourself motivated and giving up. For me, it's the accountability factor that really gets me moving, but it's also super nice to work towards goals or passions with another person! For all you introverts out there, this may not be for you. But if you gain energy from being with others, your best bet for succeeding at what you set out to do this year is to do it with others. 👊
Four: Roadblocks are Regulators
Don't let little (or big roadblocks) put you in a tizzy or cause you to throw your hands up and surrender. The effort of consciously living is challenging in itself. If you're taking the time to read this post, you're already on the road to intentionally moving forward with your life. I've come to love roadblocks in my life. Why? Because they always come right before a breakthrough or a shift in my thinking. I hate the thing that stops my momentum at the moment, but later, when I look back, I'm always grateful for the pause. It's like the timeout in a basketball game or the moment you breathe out all of your air before moving into a new pose during yoga practice. Without the yin, you cannot have the yang.☯️ Did I get to new-age-y there?🤔 But you get my drift.
I was overwhelmed with happiness when responses started coming in from my request for feedback on new year's resolutions for 2021. Here are some of the other ways women are planning, prioritizing, and setting goals for this year:
"I am very good at planning for work and not good at planning for my personal wellbeing. I have prepared goals in my personal life in the past at the beginning of the year and have not gone back to revise as life changes -- as we all know it does. Work planning is easier for me. It gets kicked off automatically because I am accountable to my team. We review and revise quarterly or more often if needed. Personally, I have found that making small goals and focusing on them works better for me." - Margaret Cascio, Director of Sales, Sudara
"I don't put a lot of pressure on myself. It is the little things done over a long time that make the biggest impact. So, I say, "I will not get that second coffee," MOST days, and then I usually don't. If I were to take it away altogether, I would crave it and self-sabotage. Then over time, I start drinking green tea or something herbal instead of coffee. It's not hard when I take little steps. That is the key. Do easy things that will make a big impact EVENTUALLY." - Kristina Godfrey, mom of two and CEO, Godfrey Sanders PR
"My goals and resolutions are not usually centered around a new year. I set goals and intentions daily, weekly, and monthly as part of my day-to-day. I start small, which leads to larger goals in the years to come. For example, I like to see if I can go for a whole week without meat, and then see if it can lead to a month without, and then maybe a new habit is formed. I would never achieve long term success if I had a strict goal to get rid of certain unhealthy habits and practices all at once." - Kaitlin Dahlquist, Retirement Counselor, Touchmark Retirement Center
"This year, I'm trying something different. Instead of writing down things to focus on all year long, I'm picking 12 different things and focusing on one each month. The month of January, for example, is about focusing on gratitude. I plan to write a letter a day to someone I'm grateful for, and see how that changes my perspective." - Cynthia Eckhoff, Mama of two, Business and Life Coach
"I resist societal pressure to set new year's resolutions. It's so tempting to do it because everyone is doing it. As an alternative to the once-a-year intention setting, I've created a focus each month around the full moon. I use this time to reset any bad habits or self-defeating narratives that have crept in, and I create new intentions. It turns out that each full moon has a cool name too, like 'Cold Moon' or 'Strawberry Moon.' This ritual has increased my awareness of the natural world while providing a monthly structure around my intention-setting practice." - Susan Strible, lover of nature, dogs and Director of Marketing, Ruffwear
You may or may not be a believer in making resolutions at the start of a new year, but either way, I wish you the very best in life, love, career, and family in 2021. Let's get out there and show the world what empowered women do to grow and influence the world.
Let me know how you plan for the new year in the comments!
xoxo
EM 💜
